Apology Accepted

After freaking out about my boss's obvious anti-Semitic tendencies, I took my case just above him to his superior in the company. This is a large media conglomerate with very strict rules and regulations so I knew my cries would not fall upon deaf ears. It certainly didn't hurt that the man to whom I turned is named David Isreal and quite Jewish too.

I asked for a meeting the next day after our radio show ended at 10 AM. David did not disappoint. He was kind and understanding and assured me that this was not what any of the management had in mind when they charged my boss with directing the morning show and its hosts.

I did uncover that my boss blatantly lied about the gathered managers discussing my references to being Jewish. At no time did it ever come up in conversation. Furthermore, David assured me that no one in management believes this to be an issue.

David ended our meeting by promising to handle the situation. He would meet with my boss and make sure that he knows he was wrong.

I had an unpleasant moment when I tried to cover all of my bases by going to speak with Human Resources. The woman in charge revealed that someone else had already told her the story and that mine was completely different. It was OBVIOUSLY my boss, but she refused to say. She then implied that some may think I am lying and that this is a "He said, she said" situation. I was floored and furious! How dare he run to the person who should be MY advocate and try to undermine me!

The following day, my boss asked me to stay after a meeting and he apologized to me for hurting me and making it such a personal attack. I accepted and suggested that we just move on.

I still don't think he fully understands the depth of the insult, nor how close he came to getting the company sued for discrimination. I told HR that I accepted the apology, but I will never forget and that means I am watching and listening carefully, should he screw up again!!!

Shock and Awe

Just when I think that my life can't get worse...

In a lunch meeting with our program director today, my co-host and I were made extremely aware of his dislike for us and the job we are doing. Besides telling us that we are not the show he would like on his station, he made it clear that he feels we're overpaid and underproducing.

Fair enough. Not true, but those were the last professional things he said today.

In trying to give examples of why we are unrelatable to the Jacksonville audience, this small, petty man stated that we talked about my being Jewish too much. He seems to believe that we "showcase" my Judaism and that is turning off women who listen.

Unable to fathom that he would actually say something so stupid, I felt the need to ask questions to clarify. Sure enough, he confirmed that it's perfectly relatable for Mark to tell stories about going to Catholic Church but because there is a smaller Jewish population, I shouldn't mention that I'm Jewish anymore.

In giving anecdotal evidence, he brought up my leaving early from work to go to Temple LAST OCTOBER on Yom Kippur. He said we shouldn't have said that's where I was going. When asked what we should have said, he said to say I have an appointment.
That's right, it's better to LIE than to say I am Jewish!!!

To say I am offended is an understatement. I'm hurt, angry and could not look that man in the eye for the rest of lunch. I don't want to go into work tomorrow knowing that there is so little respect for who I am and what I am all about.

Being a Jew is so important to me. I am so proud of it and feel so deeply about the how and why of it. I didn't arrive here easily. To have it marginalized like this is appalling.

I am not sure what I do next. I've felt sick all night and spoken with my co-host, agent and rabbi. For once, we're all in agreement about how heinous this was.
I've spoken to a judge and he recommends talking to a lawyer and looking into the possibility of pursuing this legally.

Dr. No

When I first considered getting pregnant and having a child as a single mother, I had no idea where to turn next. I had a vague idea about sperm banks and fertility doctors but I didn't know where to start.

I had actually toyed with the idea of having a baby alone more than a year ago. Emotionally, I was in a much stronger place so I dove right into the research. I looked into a couple of purveyors of fine sperm and also joined SMC - Single Mothers by Choice. I did absolutely nothing with the info...until now.

The lovely ladies of SMC are a wealth of knowledge when it comes to getting started on the road to Babyville, population: me!

After looking into the success rates of the local fertility clinics, I made an appointment with Dr. Kevin Winslow at the Florida Institute for Reproductive Medicine.

I was so excited and hopeful! I did my homework, made sure I had all of my questions ready and waited for Dr. Winslow to tell me how we were going to get me pregnant. If only it went the way I played it in my mind.

Instead of matching my enthusiasm, Dr. Winslow peed all over my Wheaties. After reviewing my medical history and chatting for a bit, Dr. Wins-NO told me that he didn't think I would be able to get pregnant using my own eggs. He felt that I was just too old and would have to go directly to the most aggressive treatment: in vitro fertilization with donor eggs. This would mean I would be my own surrogate. I would carry and give birth to a child who is not genetically mine.

The moment I got into my car, I burst into tears.

Nothing I read in my research prepared me for that consultation. I knew that 39 was old for baby making and that previous miscarriages may play a part but I never expected the doctor to want to start with the most aggressive, most expensive treatment. IVF with donor eggs costs upwards of $30,000!

Perhaps I am not meant to be a mother after all.

Good Grief

I am in mourning. I have experienced a death and I am now desperately trying to come to grips with the loss.
In reality, I experienced several losses or deaths in a row and I can hardly believe I am still standing.

If we go back a few months, we find the loss of a man I believed to be the embodiment of all the things I'd been looking for in a man. Shortly after, the loss of the baby I might have had with that man.

Finally, I am now trying to deal with the death of a dream. Actually, "the" dream. The one we, as women, have had since we could dream: husband, kids and a home.

I do take partial responsibility for the death of the dream. In order to move forward in my life, I have been advised that I must first mourn what will never be. My rabbi was the first person to advise me to do this. When I was in the throes of heartbreak over LDB, Sunny convinced me it was ok to treat this like a death and to fully mourn it by going through the five stages of grief. It felt so self-indulgent at first but soon I gave in to the Anger and Depression. I felt as though I'd already went through the Denial and Bargaining at the tail end of the relationship. And yes, I finally reached Acceptance.

This process started all over again when I miscarried.

Much to my dismay, when I joined the Single Mothers by Choice group, I found out the first thing we are supposed to do is grieve the death of "the" dream. That is the first step to becoming ok with having a child on your own. You must get in the mindset that you would have preferred to do it as a part of a couple, but that is just not an option. They say that if you mourn the loss of the dream, you will come to accept the circumstances in which you are having a baby.

Unfortunately, I believe someone forgot the sixth stage of grief: the backslide. For every day I think I've accepted that I am single and that I can have a baby on my own, I have a day or two of crying over my loneliness or feel the sheer panic over trying to raise a child alone.

The honest truth: I don't know where to go from here and I am scared to death.