I haven't written in such a long time... but not for lack of things about which to write.
A few of them needed more time in my brain before they could take shape in words. Some were just passing fancies that never really earned a place in my blog and some have needed to be aired out for months.
The topic that needed time to ruminate was the decision I made in September to re-establish communication with my sister Cathy and her family.
When tragedy struck her family with the death of my niece, Kier, I ignored EVERY cell in my body and agreed to fly out to Las Vegas to mourn with my sister. I was so torn: be there for my sister in a time of need or maintain the separation that has been so successful over the past 16 years.
I was lulled into a false sense of stability by the three daughters who were communicating with me on Facebook already while their mother was not online... yet. By the time they told me my sister Cathy needed me, I was sucked in mentally. But something deeper was screaming at me NOT to do it. Why... why don't I trust my intuition more often??? The trip was a disaster; a waste of both time and money I didn't have.
As I wrote at the end of the year, after the funeral, my sister joined Facebook and began emailing and posting non-stop. Her posts were sometimes nonsensical, mostly rambling and often insulting. One was downright anti-Semitic. She showed her Cathy colors again in sending me a letter about a month ago telling me how much SHE did for me when I was a child and how little my beloved Aunt Esta Ann did. She finished off by indirectly saying that I am not a good person. So by the time she and my friend Liz started ripping into each other last week, I'd already had enough.
When my health began to deteriorate under the stress, I made the decision to write a letter to Cathy telling her I no longer wanted any communication with her whatsoever. I did my level best to avoid nasty digs or insults but to still be firm. I made it clear that I don't feel the same way about her children and they have the option to stay on touch or move on. Then I deleted her from my friends and blocked communication on FB. So far Brittany, Jerin and Nikki are still on my FB list and posting on my page. (I know Nikki understands and I assume that she will stay in touch as long as I don't put her in the middle)
This decision was not made lightly and I have had a very tumultuous few weeks mentally and physically.
I have been agonizing over the guilt I feel about not being loyal to family versus the damage caused by all the drama and chaos.
So although I moved quickly to put an end to this, I am still in the process of reconciling my decision.
Specifically: how can I complain about not having love and a family in my life when I have made this choice? I thought I had a great capacity for unconditional love, yet I am putting conditions on my biological family. Clearly I have a way to go on the reconciliation.
