Maybe, Baby?

As I slowly emerge from the hormonally enhanced depression I've been in for almost two months, I am coming to some important realizations. That was the whole point, wasn't it?

I have been in denial for a very long time now. I thought it was just my personal preferences and philosophies that made me want to have children only in the context of a marriage or committed relationship. But I now believe that I have been in denial about
my future. I've wanted to cling to the belief that he would still come along. Mr. Right was on his way and he'd arrive in plenty of time for me to have children. I would still have the dream someday. I would fall in love, get married and create a family.

I've been sticking to this so long, even I believed it.

With my 40th birthday looming, I took another look at my future. I asked those SCARY questions we never even want to think about. All those unpleasant little details that I've avoided for so long: I looked, asked and stopped avoiding.

First and and foremost, 40 is old for childbearing. Statistics don't lie. Do you KNOW a woman's probability of getting pregnant and by how much it drops with age? These numbers sent my head spinning.

22-25 years old: 25%
26 years old: 24.75%
27 years old: 24.50%
28 years old: 24.25%
29 years old: 23.50%
30 years old: 22%
31 years old: 20%
32 years old: 18%
33 years old: 16%
34 years old: 14%
35 years old: 12%
36 years old: 10%
37 years old: 8.5%
38 years old: 7%
39 years old: 6%
40 years old: 5% - As of May 26, Here I am!!!
41 years old: 4%
42 years old: 3%
43 years old: 2.5%
44 years old: 2%
45 years old: 1%
46 years old: .5%

That's right, despite all the Hollywood stars who seem to put it off until they're well into their 40's and then miraculously they are pregnant with twins! Or they have two or three babies one after another. And then, of course, they lose the baby weight in a week.

So, I am getting old and I need to look at my life differently. That's the epiphany I had.
It doesn't seem like a big thing when I write it here, but it is a big thing that took me years to admit.

So, the grieving continues but it shifts.

I need to do that in order to plan my next move. And this time, I don't mean moving to DC or leaving radio.
If I want children, I have to act now. Right now.
So, I will act now. RIght now.
I will pursue the idea of having a child on my own.

Testing, testing...1,2,3...

As a Jew, I am fated to struggle with G-d for all time.
So, it is little surprise that I am presently struggling with the "test" which G-d has put before me these last few months.

I have asked my Hazzan, my spiritual leader, why would G-d test me with love after I had been alone for more than a year? It's was not as if I had been whoring around, disrespecting my body or my life. Quite the opposite. I chose to be alone rather than give myself to just anyone.
In recent history, I have not dated anyone who was committed elsewhere. I have not knowingly hurt anyone, nor have I caused pain where it could be avoided. The one break-up I instigated in the past two years was carefully thought through and was delivered as delicately as possible. I even kept my mouth shut and avoided Loshon Hora when that man then bad-mouthed me to co-workers and friends! So why, then, should I be tested and then judged in such a severe way?

Thus, the struggle. I look for answers; I beg G-d to show me the way. If I was so unworthy of love that I should warrant a stumbling block to my happiness, then why even bring LDB into my life? Why not just keep me single, lonely and locked away in hideous Northern Florida? Why do something so cruel as to put someone so incredibly perfect before me to love and then remove him in the most hurtful way? Does G-d not love me?

Even the Hazzan believed that G-d was in some way being just in catching both LDB and me in his trap. He feels that perhaps this wasn't my test after all. Perhaps G-d was trying to teach LDB or even his wife a lesson? But even the Hazzan was humbled when I miscarried. There was not even the suggestion of a test from G-d where THAT was concerned.

I have been praying more and more frequently asking for G-d to reveal himself. Although I know I am in no position to demand anything of the sort. I don't mean it as impertinence, only as a faithful servant asking how I can best serve? As Jews, aren't we supposed to marry and have children?

And when do the tests stop and the blessings begin?

Gone Baby, Gone

Just as the pain of losing LDB was beginning to subside, I seemed to have some sort of relapse. It came on quite suddenly and ferociously. It seemed a little odd to me that I would start feeling so much better, only to drop one day immediately into a black abyss of sadness. One would expect a day or two of sliding before a crash, no?

Without warning, I began crying non-stop and feeling so insanely hopeless that I could barely force myself to go to work. After one seven hour crying jag, I began to suspect some other little demons were at work. At first, I just thought I was headed toward an extra fun premenstrual week. However, I noticed a few extra special symptoms.

Food was not appealing in any way. The mere thought made my stomach turn. My sense of smell became so strong I could detect the slightest whiff of perfume, cologne or air freshener and these were not good things. The list goes on but suffice it to say that I was quickly coming to the realization that my connection to LDB was not over. It may have been just beginning. (Hmm... is THAT why I'm dreaming about him non-stop???)

By the next night, I realized my period was late (I am NEVER late) and I had determined that I would need to go buy an early pregnancy test and get confirmation. I was feeling worse and worse physically and my mental state wasn't much better. I went to bed early but I awoke around 1 AM in a sweat and a pool of blood. It was bead. There were elements that I cannot even describe here. I knew exactly what was happening.

Two days of bleeding, fever and feeling like I was hit by a truck gave way to even more sadness, as I knew that I had had a miscarriage.

Two dreams dead.

Get Out!

Please stop this. Leave me alone. Why are you here?

Why are you in my head whenever I close my eyes? That smile. That genuine smile that spread so slowly across your face and lit up your dark eyes when you first realized it was me standing there. That's what I see when I close my eyes. The world could read your every thought and feeling from just that smile. I know I could.

And now I see it constantly.
The thoughts and tears had slowed for a while. Working and keeping busy helped me block you and your smile from popping into my head in two minute intervals as they had for weeks. But you're back. That smile when you recognized me. The look in your eyes the first time we kissed. I can feel you standing behind me kissing my shoulder. I can remember you actually wanting me.

I can hear your voice on the phone. I can hear you telling me things you've never told anyone. I can hear you asking me to tell you something no one knows, and I did. I told you things that I've always hidden deep inside. Things I've NEVER told anyone. Things I was too scared to share with any man: I shared them with you. We wanted the same things. Do you remember?
Now I can't even tell you about the dream I had about you while I slept next to you.

How many times did you ask me to go home to Israel with you? Relaxing together and being away from everything and everyone else that dominated your thoughts sounded so amazing. What if I had said yes? What would you have done? What would you do now?

Why did you just quit? How could you talk about these things with me, kiss me, be everything I dreamed and then just walk away as if it never happened? Do you ever think about me at all? Was I really just a means to an end? I still don't want to believe you would use me that way. That you felt so little for me. That you feel nothing for me now. I don't want to believe it, but I guess I have to if I ever want to stop crying. Will I ever stop crying???

So you have to go. Please, I'm begging you to leave me alone. Let me go back to being alone with no memory of our time together and the dreams you made me believe were possible.
Stop making me care and wonder where you are and what you are doing.
Stop being everything I wanted.

Please let me hate you and take away my pain.

Or come back.