Get Out!

Please stop this. Leave me alone. Why are you here?

Why are you in my head whenever I close my eyes? That smile. That genuine smile that spread so slowly across your face and lit up your dark eyes when you first realized it was me standing there. That's what I see when I close my eyes. The world could read your every thought and feeling from just that smile. I know I could.

And now I see it constantly.
The thoughts and tears had slowed for a while. Working and keeping busy helped me block you and your smile from popping into my head in two minute intervals as they had for weeks. But you're back. That smile when you recognized me. The look in your eyes the first time we kissed. I can feel you standing behind me kissing my shoulder. I can remember you actually wanting me.

I can hear your voice on the phone. I can hear you telling me things you've never told anyone. I can hear you asking me to tell you something no one knows, and I did. I told you things that I've always hidden deep inside. Things I've NEVER told anyone. Things I was too scared to share with any man: I shared them with you. We wanted the same things. Do you remember?
Now I can't even tell you about the dream I had about you while I slept next to you.

How many times did you ask me to go home to Israel with you? Relaxing together and being away from everything and everyone else that dominated your thoughts sounded so amazing. What if I had said yes? What would you have done? What would you do now?

Why did you just quit? How could you talk about these things with me, kiss me, be everything I dreamed and then just walk away as if it never happened? Do you ever think about me at all? Was I really just a means to an end? I still don't want to believe you would use me that way. That you felt so little for me. That you feel nothing for me now. I don't want to believe it, but I guess I have to if I ever want to stop crying. Will I ever stop crying???

So you have to go. Please, I'm begging you to leave me alone. Let me go back to being alone with no memory of our time together and the dreams you made me believe were possible.
Stop making me care and wonder where you are and what you are doing.
Stop being everything I wanted.

Please let me hate you and take away my pain.

Or come back.