What Have I Done Now?

What I have done is bring upon myself all of the grief and sadness I'd been working so long and so hard to escape. I have absolutely no one to blame but myself for my pain. Just when I thought I couldn't hurt any more than I do... LDB's wife calls.

On top of all the pain and doubt I feel about myself, I have now admitted that I sank so low as to seduce another woman's husband -- even when technically, I didn't. I wrote a long email to LDB to express how much he hurt me and his wife -- with whom HE STILL LIVES -- read it. By Christmas morning, she had gotten a hold of my phone number and called me to confront me. LDB had called to warn me ahead of time. That would be the last nice thing he did because he then allowed ME to lie and say that it had been ALL ME. Can you imagine? I still care about this guy enough to LIE for him and say that I'm a dirty whore who followed this woman's husband to Detroit. Now I have given him not only my heart, but my honor.

I am still painfully aware that LDB made huge mistakes and is also responsible for my pain. He can't seem to correspond with me without apologizing again and again. But really, I allowed him to hurt me. I let him in. I acted on all my emotional and physical attraction and completely ignored my brain screaming, "Don't do this!!"

Being on vacation, I have minutes, hours, days to think and rethink what happened. I am trying to come back from this devastation. Baby steps. Last night was the first time I haven't cried myself to sleep in more than a week. But that doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about LDB and my broken heart at least once every hour.

I allowed myself to be carried away far from reality. I opened up to him and told him things I've NEVER admitted to anyone. There's such a deep sense of betrayal now. That level of intimacy we reached made the end feel so much crueler. Like I was lured into the house with promises of candy and then shoved into the oven by the evil witch!!! I'm badly burned and desperately trying to find the bread crumbs I dropped so I can go home. (Hey, work with me here.)

My need for love is so desperate that I was willing to overlook all that is morally and ethically right in order to fulfill my own desires. And even after it was clear that my dream was not to be fulfilled, I took care of HIS feelings and reputation. I put myself in an awful position to try to save HIS TUCHAS. I slipped deeply into that co-dependent place again and this is why I've enlisted the help of my rabbi.

After a 90 minute phone counseling session, it is clear that this was a test from G-d and I failed. I forgot everything that was important to me about being a good Jew and a good person in general.

That Familiar Pain

I was right.

The phone call began like any other -- chatting about his weekend, mine, etc... There was the brief explanation as to where he was yesterday when he couldn't be bothered to call or even text me back. Of course, I already knew the reason and it had nothing to do with being busy or attending a party.

LDB made it clear that I failed to live up to his expectations.

It was just a "good" time, not great.
He actually said to me, "Was it amazing? Did it make me know exactly what I want? No."

I feel like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest.

WTF???

I am not a patient person. I am a typical, spoiled, instant gratification-loving American. I want what I want and I want it now. So now that there are issues with the man I am interested in, I'm not handling it very well.

That's right, it's only been a few weeks and we already have major issues. However, I don't happen to consider them anything that is insurmountable. To me, they are speed bumps. I wish I could say the same for LDB. It seems as though he does not believe in us the way I do. Perhaps it's just nerves. Perhaps I let him down on our long-awaited second date.

There are the two problems that we knew of from the start: his marital status and our geographic distance. The marital issue is further complicated by his current lack of a green card. He cannot file for divorce before April or he will be deported and will not be allowed back. I am under the impression this marriage is over but his wife does not know he is seeing me. There's a good chance she will not be agreeable about the situation and could cause trouble with his immigration status. They are not "legally" separated.

By Friday after our amazing reconnection, LDB was having major second thoughts. He expressed these to me on the phone that afternoon and I had a VERY severe reaction. I cried for three days. Literally. I can't say I even really understand why I feel this way. Why so much drama over this? We were acquaintances who were attracted to each other and are trying to take it to the next level. What was was tearing me apart about this?

When I told LDB how upset I was that he told me about all of his concerns, he said that he thought it was one of our best conversations. He feels if we can be that honest, tell each other our darkest fears and still make it work: that's a great, strong relationship.

Despite his misgivings, LDB invited me to come visit him in Detroit while he was there for work. I booked my flight immediately. I was even happier that in the days before I had my visit, LDB had begun to get excited about us again. He was talking to me like we were back on the same page. Until the visit.

I realize that it was not an easy thing to juggle me with his work schedule and whatever is really going on with his wife. His boss is very demanding and I think that LDB is even more demanding on himself. I tried to keep in mind that part of his behavior had to be attributed to distraction.

LDB was suddenly very shy around me. Compared to the night of the party, he was quite subdued. I felt incredibly awkward. We just had a quick kiss hello at the airport and nothing after that. He barely looked at me and didn't touch me once.

We took a tour of the hotel/casino and then sat for coffee and (as always) amazing conversation for a while before he had to go back for a work meeting. As always, I was fascinated by him. He told me all about the work he's doing and the men for whom he works. I kissed him goodbye at the valet and he seemed to warm up a little.

We went to dinner later that night with his boss. He told me earlier that he was nervous about two such important people in his life meeting. I *thought* got along fine with his boss but he made me nervous and I froze and went blank when quizzed me about certain simple Judaic facts. I felt like an idiot when I couldn't come up with the answers. LDB just sat there smiling and winking at me for support. Oddly, that worked.

Later, we went and had a glass of wine at the bar and it was here I realized he was completely disconnected from me. He stared at the bartender as I was trying to have a conversation with him. By the time we got back to the room, I wanted to just pack and leave. This was NOT good. I was suddenly with someone I felt I barely knew. Even worse, I was with someone who clearly didn't want to be there with ME!!!

LDB was in and out of bed and didn't sleep all night. But when he was able to stay next to me...he would snuggle up or touch me in some way. That was ONLY reason I didn't totally give up on him. The next day he continued to be the King of the Mixed Signals.

We went to his work site and then with his boss to the airport. I sat silently in the back seat and when I did speak, I felt as though nothing I said was good enough. The questions this time were mostly personal and career related. I felt inadequate in every possible way and I began to cry though I would NEVER let them see.

Our goodbye was quick and awkward at the car. In the safety of the plane I broke down and cried my eyes out.

Upon returning home, I planned to sleep for days. Good thing, because if I was waiting for a call or text from LDB, I would have been waiting an awfully long time. When I did hear from him after a day and a half, I texted him a good morning and then a Shabbat Shalom at 5 PM Friday. That got him to call for an extremely superficial conversation.

As of today, we have not spoken nor have I texted him. What a mess.

Happy Hanukkah to Me!

I am about to become that girl who drives all her friends crazy because she won't stop talking about a guy.
I don't want to be that girl...she is soo annoying! But I'm not going to be able to help myself. There is someone
whose name I want to shout from the roof tops.

So, in the interest of sparing my friends this boring chatter, I will blog all about him. Hopefully, I'll get it out of my
system by writing about him here and I won't need to constantly reference him throughout the day.

A few blog posts back, I wrote about the Israeli guy I dated a few summers ago. After fighting, breaking-up and plenty of stupidity, we have managed to become friends again. In fact, he even invited me to be his "date" for his company's holiday party this past weekend.

Now, seeing as I was bored with Jacksonville, DYING to go back to DC, I decided this would be a FABULOUS trip! Happy Hanukkah to me!!! Plus, he told me that all of his friends miss me and would be at the party to see me. How could I possibly disappoint them?

I told "IA" to meet me at the hotel elevators. I noticed it immediately: he was sweet and fun but was a bit detached. Even when posing for pictures, he wouldn't touch me! He would put his arm around me without touching me. Who does that???

I immediately assumed that he wanted to make sure I didn't think anything was going to happen. I was actually fine with that. Truth is, I wasn't feeling it either. I'm sure with enough alcohol I could feel it, but this was for the best.

Little did I know, he had ulterior motives. He failed to tell me that he has a girlfriend in Israel who is moving to the US to be with him at the end of this month. He also skipped over the fact that he invited me to the party for one of those friends who wanted to see me.

When I dated him, we often hung out with a couple who were close friends of his. From the moment I met them, I had a bit of a crush on the guy. It was not as if we spent a lot of time together and we were never alone but there was an electricity (at least for me) I was very drawn to him. I had these fantasies about the guy but I was also infatuated with IA so I would NEVER have done anything about it.

Plus, all those fantasies ceased when my now ex called to tell me that they were getting married. That was that. Oddly, it bothered me so much that I can remember exactly where I was when I heard this bit of news!

When he said that the guy wanted to come to the party to see me and that he was super excited, I must admit I got butterflies. I couldn't wait to see him and I was just praying he didn't bring his wife. When I asked if she was coming, he broke the news that they were not in a good place. IA said he didn't think they even talked anymore. He then told me that back when we were dating, the guy confessed he had a big crush on me. I was STUNNED! And few minutes later, I saw him.

It was like something out of a movie. I looked up and our eyes locked. He had a huge smile on his face and looked so incredbly handsome. I was transfixed. I ran to him and hugged him. Unlike the luke-warm reception from IA, LDB held me tight and I felt lightheaded. Chemistry. Very powerful.

When I think back now, I realize that my ex pretty much dropped off the face of the earth for me at that moment. I took LDB's hand and we went to get him a drink from the bar. We sat on a nearby bench and talked about everything that's happened in the last year. I have no idea how long we were there, but my ex had to come looking for us.

The conversation was amazing. It's crazy that we were sitting there getting to know each other as if we were on a great first date. Then again, I felt like we were!

With the way I was feeling, I couldn't help but question his marriage. He said that they wanted different things and it can't possibly work so they have separated and are planning to file for divorce.


By the time my ex came to get us, I'd forgotten I was there as HIS "date." He dragged us into the other room to dance, but we stayed on the side continuing to talk. After a while, it was undeniable. Something was going to happen. And I couldn't wait. It was like the natural progression of that great first date...eventually you want him to kiss you. At some point, he did and I couldn't hold back anymore. I felt a MAJOR connection.

Okay, it's not very mature, but we made-out like our plane was going down!

After the party, he walked me to my hotel room and I invited him in. I told him then and there I would NOT sleep with him. He said he had rules too and we had to have at least two more dates. So we continued to kiss and talk until almost 4 in the morning!

Lots of conversation about family and our mutual difficulties with our fathers.

I have thought of nothing and no one else since he left my hotel room. I've been running every moment back through my mind over and over. I love this time in a potential relationship!

A Hell of My Own Making

When I was fired from my radio show in Washington, DC one year ago, it was the perfect opportunity to make some changes in my life. I could start to think about a career outside of radio for the first time in my life. I could pursue my writing, apply to work at a company I really believe in, try to change my fate. The whole world was wide open -- limited only by my imagination. Well, and by common sense.

How do those people do it? I have friends who leave a job or a place with barely a dollar to their name and go to the city of their dreams to start anew? The mere thought of going without a salary or health insurance for more than a month is terrifying to me! I spent so many years listening to my mother complain about being poor and I absorbed every ounce of fear she felt about going under financially.

So, here I am, trapped in a hell of my own making with no escape for at least another year because I signed a 2 year contract with this radio station purely for financial security. And even in a year, I'm not sure I will have the guts to completely leave radio behind and start all over again at the age of 40.

My current situation feels completely untenable. I am working in a field that doesn't challenge me anymore and in which I lost interest a few years back. I am living in Florida: the most heinous state in the US and the only place I swore I'd never live again. At work, I am paired with a partner with whom the best of times feel like a root canal sans novocaine.

I have already begun looking for other jobs outside of broadcasting and outside of Florida. Of course, since I am not able to move right now or take another job, I am finding a TON of plum positions. All the right jobs in all the right places I'd love to live. That doesn't mean I would actually get hired...but this is MY blog and I'll assume if I want to!!!

I miss those days when I could make a decision and do something without thinking it through to the nth degree. I would fly by the seat of my pants into a new place and new life every couple of years. I would just live with the consequences of a capricious decision and everything always worked out fine. I broke so many leases in my twenties!!! What am I so afraid of? I don't have a family for whom I must provide or worry about uprooting. If my singlehood has provided no other luxuries, it has given me the ability to make decisions based soley on what's good for me and no one else.

And yet, I'm still paralyzed. There are so many what ifs.
(Like what if I never get out of this place?)

A Stranger Among Us

Many years ago, just after my mother passed away, my whole family scattered across the country. Frankly, we were barely able to tolerate each other and my mother was the glue that held us together. Without her, there was no reason whatsoever to be tortured by the company of our relatives ever again.
Because I have no real family to visit on holidays, I'm often invited to spend them with families of friends or the man I'm dating at the time. So, I have spent the majority of my holidays with strangers for the last 17 years. As a result, holidays hold no real special meaning to me anymore.
When people ask me what I'm doing for Thanksgiving and I say that I have no special plans other than relaxing at home, I am always met with a look of pity and an invitation to join them and their respective families for dinner. I'm always grateful for the kind offers but hate the position in which it puts me. Not only does it not bother me to be alone and do little or nothing on Thanksgiving, but it does actually bother me to spend a day with strangers and struggle for several hours to try to fit in.
I realize that this is going to come off a little bitchy and I'll sound like an ingrate, but I feel the need to tell the truth about the single gal in the strangers' homes.

1. It's not you, it's me. Please understand that when we turn down your kind offer, it's not an invitation for you to pressure us! We didn't say no because we were afraid to make more work for you or make you feel "put out." We are truly saying no because it's really what we want!

2. Alone Again, Naturally. Some of us really enjoy time to ourselves and sometimes a holiday is the only way we get some of that precious downtime. Just because spending a day alone may make you sad or lonely doesn't mean we all feel that way. In some ways, that is a holiday from the rest of our crowded, busy lives.

3. We Are (not) Family. As lovely as it may be to get together with family for Thanksgiving, it is actually very difficult for non-family guests. We are not only on our very best behavior and being personality plus but we are also (sometimes) dealing with the sadness of being the outsider. Some may miss being with their families and trying to smile and hide it is tough work!

It is important to note that none of this applies if the single gal in question is being invited to spend her first holiday with a boyfriend's family. That is a very special step in a relationship and that invitation will rarely be turned down!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Weighty Issues

I have these thoughts all the time. They all start with "Since I'm single, I should..."
Many of these thoughts include doing things that I have always believed would make me completely unappealing to the opposite sex. See the irony?

The one I have most often is, "Since I'm single, I should eat whatever I want and just go ahead and gain weight." Oddly, the only time I have ever really packed on the pounds is when I was in a committed relationship and living with a man for three years. We both got complacent and gained weight. A month after we broke up, I worked my ass of to lose it -- literally!
When I am single I think these types of thoughts a lot. My thought process usually starts with, "Hmm, I really want Chick-Fil-A for lunch, but I really shouldn't. Eh, why not? I won't gain that much weight. Maybe I'll start working out again. Although I doubt it. Who cares if I gain weight anyway? I'm single. No one wants me while I'm thin anyway; I may as well just eat what I like and gain the weight. Then maybe I'd understand why I don't have a man. Besides, there are many overweight women who fall in love and get married. Maybe that's me?"
It doesn't stop there. I go down this road with other areas of my personal appearance as well. Whenever I cut my hair short I reason with myself, "Men LOVE long hair. But they aren't the ones blowdrying it and dealing with it every day. Plus, many women with short hair attract men and get married. (Seeing a pattern?)
Changing my hair from blonde to dark after 16 years was a huge step. I did take the plunge and go auburn but I recently starting thinking about blonding-up again. Do you think more blondes or brunettes get married? Or...
"Perhaps I'll go out in sweats and without make-up just this once. It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone at Publix. Many women who go without make-up get married eventually." Ok, that one is bullshit.

I go out in sweats and without make-up all the time.

Playing this little game with myself cannot be healthy. Is this some sort of eating disorder?
I do care about my own appearance but I think it is purely tied to getting attention from men. And as I age, I get less and less of that attention whether or I'm thin or not. I get so tired of worrying about what other people think. At what age do we finally learn to accept our physical selves? Does body image continue to dog us into our golden years? Perhaps I'll start eating and hope for a heart attack instead.

Are We There Yet?

Autumn has finally come to North Florida and I couldn't be happier. I was desperate for cold air to hit my face. I couldn't wait to bust out my sweaters and jeans and maybe even a winter coat. Sadly, I won't get to have the type of winter I truly love with snow and ice.

I'm not going to bitch and complain anymore about being where I don't want to be. What I am going to do is change my situation. I am dedicated to making my life what I want it to be. For 20 years I've been at the mercy of my radio and television career. I've lived where the best job was. If that meant leaving behind the love of my life or a place that finally felt like home; so be it.
Well, no more.

It's finally time to take control of that aspect of my life. I want to be the one to decide where I live. That's such a foreign concept right now. I am praying that I can really have a career as a writer and be able to choose where I spend the rest of my life!

I'm just so tired of sacrificing. When do we get to do what we want to do, where we want to do it? Life feels like a long drive when you're a kid and don't recognize anything along the way. So I keep thinking, "Are we there yet?"

The Bushnell League

I am fresh from a visit to the New York Observer web site. No, this was no random visit. You see, I read that The Observer has begun to reprint and post the old original Sex and the City columns by Candace Bushnell. Being an obsessive SATC fan, (yes, even now - all these years after it ended), I decided I wanted to go back and read the archives from which the TV show I love was started.
I have one thing to say...WHAT THE FUCK???
This is the clever, witty, topical, funny writing that was so inspirational? This is CRAP. It's unreadable. What intelligent New Yorker read this column in the mid-nineties and thought this was groundbreaking? If anything, it proves that Darren Starr and Michael Patrick King are magnificent bastards! Darren for finding any usable material in the drivel that Candace turned out and King for writing what Candace didn't: a brilliant commentary on women, men, relationships and shoes.

I was actually giving Candace a second chance. I'd first discovered that she couldn't write when I read her follow-up to Sex and the City, called Four Blondes. My first reaction was: this woman scribbled some notes on a bar napkin, her publisher let an intern edit it and they put it on the market knowing it would sell millions based solely on the success of the HBO series unjustifiably credited to the same author. The book was horrible.
Now this woman has sold ANOTHER book to TV? Yes, Candace's book Lipstick Jungle is going to be a television series starring Brooke Shields. Although, I can't help but note that it's been pushed back yet again and is, at best, now a mid-season replacement.

Sad as it is to admit, part of the reason I wanted to be a writer was because of Carrie Bradshaw and SATC. I have a variety of other authors who inspire me as well but Carrie inspired me to write a column and keep it real. Deep down inside I know that Carrie Bradshaw is based on Candace Bushnell. Despite this fatal flaw in her character, I still love Carrie.

Slacker? I Hardly Know her!

No!!! I swear I haven't been slacking! It's just the opposite. I have been writing that column online for Jacksonville.com!!!
I wrote my first column last night using a post from here. Of course, I had to make it a little more "public friendly." Then I laid awake until 3 AM -- my mind buzzing with dozens of topics. I have the next ten columns already lined up in my brain. I feel great that I'm conquering one of my biggest fears about writing: lack of inspiration.
I was always scared that I would have a job where I had to come up with a topic and I would either come up with nothing or the things I would come up with wouldn't be interesting enough. The latter may still be an issue, we'll see!?

Elsewhere in life, I am dreading the next couple of weeks. I have really struggled since moving to Florida and it's about to get more difficult.
This part of Florida is unlike anyplace I've ever lived. It is not at all comparable to Miami or Ft. Lauderdale or even Sarasota. I live in Northeast Florida, near the Georgia state line. This, my friends, is the DEEP SOUTH. An interesting slice of America where people are actually proud to be called "Redneck." We are near the Christian Bible Belt and knee deep in Conservative Right Wing Republicans. Not exactly my utopia.
I came here from Washington, DC about ten months ago and have been battling homesickness. It hasn't just been the usual feelings that this move was forced on me by a job change or the sentimentality of missing my friends and the familiar. It has also been the realization that I am much more of a metropolitan "city girl" than even I knew myself to be.
I don't need to live on a busy city block with sirens screaming all night long, but I do need to be surrounded by people with the mental agility to spar with me. At the very least, I need a friend with whom I have something in common.
The one thing that made this place bearable over the last few months was my friendship with a co-worker named Lauren. We had a bond I didn't expect to find so soon. Lauren and I are both single Jewish women in our thirties, unhappy with our current situations. Neither of us is thrilled with our jobs, the men we meet or the city in which we live. We'd often talked about escape but she made good on it before I could. On November 21st, Lauren will move back home to Boca Raton to live with her parents and figure out what to do next.
Lauren was one of those people with whom you feel comfortable almost immediately. She was a true girlfriend in every sense of the word. Someone I could call crying about my latest dating disaster and on whom I could rely to attend High Holiday Services with me at a strange synagogue. (And I do mean strange)
I doubt we will ever live near one another again because I fully intend to move back up north at the first opportunity. However, I will always remember Lauren and be forever in her debt for making my first few months here a lot better. And Lauren, you should feel very good as you have carried out a very important mitzvah. Good Luck!

Blog Lite - Great Taste, Less to Read

Not feeling my best tonight, so this will be just a quick, little update post.

I took a step forward in my quest to be a writer last night. The local newspaper (like most) has an online partner. I noticed that this website invites members of the community to be columnsists. If approved, you can submit your column weekly, bi-weekly or monthly. The only downside is that I won't get paid to write the column.

I proposed a column called "Maybe, Maybe Not" to be written bi-weekly. This site already has two other women writing columns on being single and dating. Neither seems to be writing updated columns anymore and both were a completely different voice than mine.

My column will be the thirty-something single gal's life experiences with my special cynical slant. Think Sex and The City meets Elaine from Seinfeld. No silly pep talks. No religious coaching. Just the honest truth. You and I may never meet "The One." We may be single for life. But instead of waiting around for something that may not happen, LIVE YOUR LIFE! Celebrate YOU. Life is way too short to wait and hope for stuff to just happen to you.
Oh, plus I'll share all my really unbelieveably crappy dating experiences! That alone is worth the bookmark!
Click here to read my first column!

Like, What's Your Problem?

I've wanted to be a writer for a long time. At least ten years. For the first five years I was in my own head thinking about how many great stories I could cull from my amazing life experiences. In the next five I started writing a novel. Well, writing off and on. Ironically, life is my inspiration to write but life keeps getting in the way of finishing my first book.
I'm about one-third finished just writing the story. I still need to go back in and flesh out the characters and add details and descriptions. I think about it every single day. I even think about it when I'm laying on the couch doing absolutely nothing. That's right, I lay there doing nothing when I could be writing my book. What the hell is my problem?
Sometimes I am just too tired from getting up at 4 AM and dealing with the everyday B.S. that comes with my job. But lately, I've been psyching myself out. I read a lot of books and I'm always comparing myself to other authors. I'm convinced that no one will want to publish my work or if they do, it will be in the half-off bin in a week.
I've rethought my subject a hundred times. I've tried to come up with a story I like better or that would be more marketable. I even started another book -- this time a non-fiction -- in the hopes of attracting a different audience. Really I've just found every reason not to pursue the dream of becoming a published author. And I've conveniently avoided all the rejection that comes along with submitting my work as well.

How do you stay motivated? How do you write when you really just don't feel like it? Do other writers go through this? I've heard about writer's block but what about writer's lazy-ass-wanna-lay-on-the-couch-and-watch-The-Young-and-the-Restless?

In With The Old...

I wrote in a previous post that I have really put myself out there to try to find that someone special with whom to have a family. Included in my methods were blind dates, set ups by friends, going to events specifically designed for singles and the dreaded Internet Dating Site! (Cue ominous music...Dum, dum, dum!!!)
I started out on a site that is super popular in the Washington DC area called JDate - the Jewish online dating site. It was a perfect place for me to start as I had just started my conversion and I wanted to meet Jews in the area. Plus, I felt safer knowing that several friends had used the site without any major issues.
The first time I went on the site when I was 37, I found a few interesting candidates around my age.

JDate #1: A man in his early 40's met me for drinks/dinner at Rio Grande in Bethesda. Three minutes in, I knew this was NOT the man for me. He said he was 42 but this guy wasn't a day under 50. He was loud, obnoxious and completely in love with himself. He seemed to think this obnoxious behavior was perceived by others as him being "funny." The worst part had to be that he thought the date went great and asked to see me again. When I said no, he proceeded to call me a bitch.

JDate #2: A man in his mid-thirties who also met me at Rio Grande, but a different location. This guy was possibly the dullest person with whom I've ever spent time. I don't want to be unnecessarily cruel about him - he seemed kind hearted and polite - but I couldn't stop yawning and feeling as if my eyes were weighted. This lunch seemed as thought it would never end.

I almost quit right there. Then the next phase clicked in...every 25 year old on the site began emailing and instant messaging me! When I told them I was too old for them I got the "age is just a number" reply. This went on for weeks. It got to the point where I got no interest from men my age but I was overrun with Jewish dudes under 30 and over 60! Brutal!
I finally broke down and went out with one of the 25 year old guys.

Itsik is Israeli, had only been in the U.S. about two years and was working at the Israeli Embassy at the time. I'd given him my phone number on a particularly low Thursday because he was being so sweet trying to cheer me up on instant messager. Then he called and talked me into meeting him for a drink. What harm could it do? I'd meet him for one drink and we're out. But he insisted on picking me up at home. I wasn't totally comfortable with it, but again, my defenses were down.
It happened when I opened the door. I fell. Hard. He was adorable. Going out for drinks only made it worse. He was sweet and charming and hilarious! I'm sure it has something to do with having to serve in the Israeli Army at 18 no matter what, but he certainly had perspective beyond his years. In a haze of margaritas and laughter, I forgot he was 25. Drinks turned into dinner which turned into a good night kiss. I was smitten. And best of all, he gave me hope that I may still find a connection in this world.

This is not my beautiful life...

When I was a child, I often dreamed of what my future would hold. I liked to imagine all the fabulous things I would do with my adult life. The possibilities were endless! I played out my fantasies of being a famous singer or actress on the stage. Then, there were a few unusual goals which I doubt anyone else really shared.
For example: How many of you decided that you would grow up to become a Southern Belle on a Plantation? Oh yes, I did. My childhood home was a white colonial with black shutters and a wrap around front porch. I was convinced it looked like a Southern Plantation circa Tara. I put on my best hats and long skirts, grabbed an umbrella as a parasol and chatted with people in my best Southern drawl. It was a sad day when I learned that I couldn't major in Belle Etiquette or get a B.A. in Plantation Management.

The one constant thread throughout my childhood dreams was falling in love, getting married and having a family. I was way more preoccupied with it than any of my little friends. I had every detail planned, down to my wedding dress. I could close my eyes and see my handsome husband; about 6 feet tall, dark hair, dark eyes, blindingly white teeth. We would meet when I was 24, date for a bit and marry at 26. We'd have two years of wedded bliss before finding out we were pregnant when I was 28. I would have a boy and then a girl a year later.

Funny thing happened on my way to 39 years of age...NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. I am fine with the fact that the plantation never materialized but every day that passes, I become more distraught over not finding a man with whom I could share my life and make these dreams come true.

From everything I heard and saw about the way life works, I'd assumed that we were just supposed to go to school, study, find something we're good at as a profession and the other stuff would just take care of itself. My tall, dark, beautiful man would come find me, sweep me off of my feet and make me his wife. Wasn't that how it was going to happen? I watched it happen to a few of my friends as we left college and struck out on our own. Surely I had to be next?

I found a career and even started to make a pretty good living by the age of 26, but no husband. I'd moved to several different major U.S. cities and was actually a sought-after radio personality by the age of 28, but no pregnancy. Still, I was undaunted. I was ok with the idea that I would have this family a few years later than I'd originally imagined. It was even better that I'd be a fabulous, successful radio personality first, allowing my future husband to meet me and fall madly in love with me when I was at the top of my game! Not to mention the possibility of becoming that power couple everyone secretly envied and admired at our social gatherings.

When I look back and think about it, I know that the fantasies of fame, fortune and petticoats were a supplement to the dream of my fabulous life. The main ingredient was always a family. I never needed to prove myself in the entertainment industry or business world. I didn't have to have a high paying job or my own show. The only thing I was certain I wanted and needed was a family even if I didn't express that on a constant basis. Unfortunately, as I got older the desire to have a family of my own would only grow stronger. As the family into which I was born began to disintegrate I felt more and more desperate to build a family of my own. Again, this has not happened.

My lovely friends all mean well when they try to help with stock phrases like, "Just wait, you'll meet someone. It will happen for you." Then there are the ones that make be want to punch them in the face like: "You pick the wrong men" or
"You're not putting yourself out there." I think these statements upset me so much because they blame me for my situation. Now, I realize that I am responsible for my own life. However, to place my current single status squarely on my shoulders is unfair. Ok, I'll give you that I have picked the wrong men a few times. Who hasn't? But I have been out there dammit! (I just happen to be taking a break from out there right now.)

Now I must do the unthinkable and face the fact that it may never happen for me. I have not found someone who loves me as I love him and I am quickly nearing the age at which I will no longer be able to have children (biologically). I have been trying everything I can think of to ease myself into this solitary life and still be a productive member of society. That's not exactly working out so well. These days I'm prone to crying jags that leave me exhausted and hopeless. The many walls I have carefully constructed over the years are starting to crack and wear down and I'm starting to reveal the true depth of my fear and pain. I am horribly vulnerable after pretending to be so strong for so many years. And I am alone. Utterly alone.

Good Jew, Bad Jew

I converted from Christianity to Judaism. Officially, I became a Jew on April 18, 2006. However, I began living as a Jew long before that.
When you convert to Judaism you must commit yourself to a great deal of reading, studying and attendance of classes. Furthermore, you promise to begin living life as a Jew immediately. If you are converting Orthodox, you pledge to keep Kosher and obey all 613 commandments or "Mitzvot" in the bible. As a Conservative Jew the rules are slightly less strict and converting into the Reform branch of Judaism gives the greatest amount of leeway. Very few Reform Jews observe the laws of Kashrut (keeping Kosher).
I decided rather early in my conversion process that I would not keep Kosher. While I could observe most of the dietary restrictions, I looked at my life and thought that it would be a logistical nightmare! I was renting and could not afford to separate my meats and dairy, nor did I have the room to keep two sets of plates and flatware. I have learned that there are ways to do it without too much upheaval and I have plenty of Orthodox friends who seem to manage just fine.
I must admit -- of all the things I must and must not do since becoming a Jew -- the keeping Kosher thing nags at me the most. In fact, I think about being an Orthodox Jew all the time. Much to the dismay of my Hazzan and Jewish friends!

I used to live in a small enclave of Maryland with many Orthodox Jews. There was an Orthodox synagogue just a few blocks away and so many families purchased homes in my neighborhood in order to obey the commandments and walk to shul on the sabbath. I saw these families -- dressed in their modest clothing and black hats -- walking back and forth each Saturday. I find their devotion so inspiring.
I have longed since I was a child to marry and have a family but found it a lot harder to actually accomplish. I can't help but to think that since it is highly encouraged in the Jewish faith that everyone marry and procreate, I could finally find a husband and settle down if I were to devote myself to the stricter denomination.

There is a deeper issue of being a "Bad Jew" by not keeping Kosher or strictly observing all 613 Mitzvot. In a way, I feel as though I am a meat-eating vegetarian. I'm afraid that I have never truly committed to the Jewish faith. The worst part is, I know that I wouldn't feel this way if I had been born a Jew.
Converts are treated with the utmost respect in Judaism. However, among the different denominations, there is a great deal of dischord where converts are concerned. In fact, according to the Orthodox, I am NOT a Jew at all. I will only be Jewish when I convert under the close scrutiny of an Orthodox rabbi, commit to keep Kosher and keep all 613 mitzvot -- no matter how difficult that would be in this century. (Hello? Animal sacrifice? I think not!) Because mine was a reform conversion, I am not a suitable marriage partner to Orthodox or even many Conservative Jews! I even have to wonder if my right to return to Israel will be honored, should I decide to go to the Homeland.

Like the decision to convert itself, I believe I will just have to live with the idea of keeping Kosher or being Orthodox in my head and let it marinate a while. As with everything else in this life, I will find my way.