What I have done is bring upon myself all of the grief and sadness I'd been working so long and so hard to escape. I have absolutely no one to blame but myself for my pain. Just when I thought I couldn't hurt any more than I do... LDB's wife calls.
On top of all the pain and doubt I feel about myself, I have now admitted that I sank so low as to seduce another woman's husband -- even when technically, I didn't. I wrote a long email to LDB to express how much he hurt me and his wife -- with whom HE STILL LIVES -- read it. By Christmas morning, she had gotten a hold of my phone number and called me to confront me. LDB had called to warn me ahead of time. That would be the last nice thing he did because he then allowed ME to lie and say that it had been ALL ME. Can you imagine? I still care about this guy enough to LIE for him and say that I'm a dirty whore who followed this woman's husband to Detroit. Now I have given him not only my heart, but my honor.
I am still painfully aware that LDB made huge mistakes and is also responsible for my pain. He can't seem to correspond with me without apologizing again and again. But really, I allowed him to hurt me. I let him in. I acted on all my emotional and physical attraction and completely ignored my brain screaming, "Don't do this!!"
Being on vacation, I have minutes, hours, days to think and rethink what happened. I am trying to come back from this devastation. Baby steps. Last night was the first time I haven't cried myself to sleep in more than a week. But that doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about LDB and my broken heart at least once every hour.
I allowed myself to be carried away far from reality. I opened up to him and told him things I've NEVER admitted to anyone. There's such a deep sense of betrayal now. That level of intimacy we reached made the end feel so much crueler. Like I was lured into the house with promises of candy and then shoved into the oven by the evil witch!!! I'm badly burned and desperately trying to find the bread crumbs I dropped so I can go home. (Hey, work with me here.)
My need for love is so desperate that I was willing to overlook all that is morally and ethically right in order to fulfill my own desires. And even after it was clear that my dream was not to be fulfilled, I took care of HIS feelings and reputation. I put myself in an awful position to try to save HIS TUCHAS. I slipped deeply into that co-dependent place again and this is why I've enlisted the help of my rabbi.
After a 90 minute phone counseling session, it is clear that this was a test from G-d and I failed. I forgot everything that was important to me about being a good Jew and a good person in general.
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