WTF???

I am not a patient person. I am a typical, spoiled, instant gratification-loving American. I want what I want and I want it now. So now that there are issues with the man I am interested in, I'm not handling it very well.

That's right, it's only been a few weeks and we already have major issues. However, I don't happen to consider them anything that is insurmountable. To me, they are speed bumps. I wish I could say the same for LDB. It seems as though he does not believe in us the way I do. Perhaps it's just nerves. Perhaps I let him down on our long-awaited second date.

There are the two problems that we knew of from the start: his marital status and our geographic distance. The marital issue is further complicated by his current lack of a green card. He cannot file for divorce before April or he will be deported and will not be allowed back. I am under the impression this marriage is over but his wife does not know he is seeing me. There's a good chance she will not be agreeable about the situation and could cause trouble with his immigration status. They are not "legally" separated.

By Friday after our amazing reconnection, LDB was having major second thoughts. He expressed these to me on the phone that afternoon and I had a VERY severe reaction. I cried for three days. Literally. I can't say I even really understand why I feel this way. Why so much drama over this? We were acquaintances who were attracted to each other and are trying to take it to the next level. What was was tearing me apart about this?

When I told LDB how upset I was that he told me about all of his concerns, he said that he thought it was one of our best conversations. He feels if we can be that honest, tell each other our darkest fears and still make it work: that's a great, strong relationship.

Despite his misgivings, LDB invited me to come visit him in Detroit while he was there for work. I booked my flight immediately. I was even happier that in the days before I had my visit, LDB had begun to get excited about us again. He was talking to me like we were back on the same page. Until the visit.

I realize that it was not an easy thing to juggle me with his work schedule and whatever is really going on with his wife. His boss is very demanding and I think that LDB is even more demanding on himself. I tried to keep in mind that part of his behavior had to be attributed to distraction.

LDB was suddenly very shy around me. Compared to the night of the party, he was quite subdued. I felt incredibly awkward. We just had a quick kiss hello at the airport and nothing after that. He barely looked at me and didn't touch me once.

We took a tour of the hotel/casino and then sat for coffee and (as always) amazing conversation for a while before he had to go back for a work meeting. As always, I was fascinated by him. He told me all about the work he's doing and the men for whom he works. I kissed him goodbye at the valet and he seemed to warm up a little.

We went to dinner later that night with his boss. He told me earlier that he was nervous about two such important people in his life meeting. I *thought* got along fine with his boss but he made me nervous and I froze and went blank when quizzed me about certain simple Judaic facts. I felt like an idiot when I couldn't come up with the answers. LDB just sat there smiling and winking at me for support. Oddly, that worked.

Later, we went and had a glass of wine at the bar and it was here I realized he was completely disconnected from me. He stared at the bartender as I was trying to have a conversation with him. By the time we got back to the room, I wanted to just pack and leave. This was NOT good. I was suddenly with someone I felt I barely knew. Even worse, I was with someone who clearly didn't want to be there with ME!!!

LDB was in and out of bed and didn't sleep all night. But when he was able to stay next to me...he would snuggle up or touch me in some way. That was ONLY reason I didn't totally give up on him. The next day he continued to be the King of the Mixed Signals.

We went to his work site and then with his boss to the airport. I sat silently in the back seat and when I did speak, I felt as though nothing I said was good enough. The questions this time were mostly personal and career related. I felt inadequate in every possible way and I began to cry though I would NEVER let them see.

Our goodbye was quick and awkward at the car. In the safety of the plane I broke down and cried my eyes out.

Upon returning home, I planned to sleep for days. Good thing, because if I was waiting for a call or text from LDB, I would have been waiting an awfully long time. When I did hear from him after a day and a half, I texted him a good morning and then a Shabbat Shalom at 5 PM Friday. That got him to call for an extremely superficial conversation.

As of today, we have not spoken nor have I texted him. What a mess.