Three Months Later...

I just read my last post about the new man in my life and where we stood after just a couple of dates. I was worried that he was rushing into this and wouldn't be able to keep it up.

When guys come out of the gate and get so intense so soon, either there's something I can't live with or (more often) he loses interest almost as fast.

Today marks three months since our first date and I could not be happier.

Brian is a perfect gentleman, sweet, romantic, intelligent, funny, and has a fantastic body. We enjoy many of the same things when it comes to dating and spending time together. And yes, sexually, we're perfectly compatible. It's amazing.

I feel like we've been together far longer than three months. We've reached a level of comfort with each other that seems more like three years -- only with way more sex!

I may regret typing the next words but I'm doing it anyway. I want to marry this man. I love him and want to live my life with him. He makes me feel as though THIS is why I had to stay single all these years. I was waiting just for him.

I love you Brian. Happy three month anniversary.

Too Much Too Soon?

As I sit here in Baton Rouge Airport, I can think of little else besides my upcoming reunion with the new man in my life.

Since I've been away for work and he has been on vacation, we have maintained constant contact in some form or another. Mostly, he has been texting me or writing sweet emails.

Within a day or two of leaving, he was texting how much he missed me already. It just so happened that I felt the same way. I, too, was riding the high of our successful first dates and really wanted to see him again. But the open expression caught me completely off guard.

Alright, it didn't just surprise me. It also got me to thinking: is this already moving to quickly? Why is this guy so fast to declare himself? Is this a really bad sign?

Now, if you read and believe books like "He's Just Not That Into You", you know that when a guy is really into you, they will go out on that limb. They will try to see you again immediately and spend a lot of time with you. However, this has just never been my experience -- even with the ones who really liked me.

Plus, I'm just so jaded from all my bad experiences. I find it really difficult to believe that this will be anything more than any of the other pathetic romantic outings have been: an exercise in futility and an ego crushing sadness.

I'm trying to return to DC with an open mind and open heart. I so want to believe that he is a really great guy who really likes me and has good intentions.

Despite the fact that history has taught me that it just isn't likely.


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Long Distance with a Local Guy

A few months back a new man appeared in our NOAA office. I saw him around sometimes, but he wasn't in my division. Tall, handsome, and very personable, I knew he had caught the eye of many women in the building.

By early July, I was put on the oil spill communications team and was suddenly in meetings with this man. I'll admit, I was curious.
No wedding ring.

He doesn't really fit the manager mold in our office. He dresses casually and usually sports a little beard growth. But there was always something attractive and interesting about him and I feel myself drawn to him.

So it came as a very pleasant surprise when he started to flirt with me and approached the subject of dinner. We went back and forth and I made a date with EBH for Saturday night. Not satisfied to wait, he asked me to coffee the next morning.

That was a Friday, so he emailed me that afternoon to go to the local wine bar after work too. It was fabulous. We sat and talked for five hours without noticing another person in the place or even the time flying by.

Sometime during the evening we kissed and it was fantastic. By then, I knew it would be. The kind of kiss that makes your mind go completely blank for at least a minute after.

Our date Saturday night was also fabulous except I preferred the more intimate setting of the wine bar to the loud restaurant where we sat a mile apart at a huge table.

This man brought me flowers for our date Saturday and rode the Metro all the way to the airport to see me off to Baton Rouge, Sunday. I've had a silly grin on my face ever since.

Now, every fiber of my being is screaming: Don't get too excited about this. You get excited, and then it goes right down the toilet.

But I want to get excited. I want to let myself enjoy this. I want to fall in love dammit! I want to ignore the red flags for a little while and just LIKE him without worrying that every little thing will turn out to be a major character flaw and I will end up alone and embarrassed again.








- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Clarity is Such a Drag

I hate these moments. I'm cruising along through life, just doing my thing, then all of a sudden, WHAM! Clarity.

It's then that I can see what is always staring me in the face, but I so deftly avoid seeing. Oh, sure, deep down inside I know what's there. But denial is a powerful self-preservation tool.

Almost a year ago, a couple of friends began revealing to me the degraded state of their marriage. The husband went farther: he propositioned me after the wife had gone to bed. He suggested that we be friends with benefits.

For eight months he persisted. For eight months I demurred, denied, and squirmed my way out of ever doing anything. Sure, there was a drunken kiss I regret to this day. But I was so careful not to lead him on. I actually worried about his feelings. Unreal.

I wasn't particularly attracted to him. I always thought of him as my goofy neighbor. This man has never made a secret of the fact that he wants nothing more than to save his marriage. So what the hell does that make me? He professes to adore me and have nothing but the utmost respect for me, but how much respect could he have if I'm nothing but a plaything? Someone to fill the physical void left by his wife.

As to the clarity I first wrote of: I am so keenly aware that I was treated as little more than a whore he was trying hire.

See, clarity is a drag.

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Techno-babble

First, let me say that this post is really just a test to see how well this blog manager for iPad works.

When I bought my Apple iPad I was immediately enamored and failed to notice some of the drawbacks. One of them being that I can easily update my blogs but for some stupid reason, I cannot post photos. Such a simple thing and so frustrating to be unable to do it!

As the commercial says: "There's an App for that!"

For a mere $2.99 I can manage all my blogs, post, and have PHOTOS! Supposedly. That's the purpose of this post. I need to test this wonderful app. So let's get started, shall we?

The posting process is simple so far... Type the blog entry as an email.
I am about to click the little camera icon up top to add a photo.
Since I posted about my new job at NOAA, let's add a photo from my recent business trip to Juneau, Alaska. Here I am hiking to the top of Mt. Roberts.



Wow, not bad. The photo is embedded in the email. I should try another...





This is a shot I took when I hiked to Mendenhall Glacier.

Now the true test. We must actually post this baby. Gonna hit save and cross my fingers. Hopefully, I will be reading this just like you are on my blog!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

A Whole New World

As I was trying to create a new career by going back to school, a funny thing happened. I started to run out of money! (imagine that!?)

Faced with tuition, rent, and my last $10,000 in savings, I began looking in ernest for a new job. Just something I could live on, but not commit to, while I was finishing my degree. I considered Starbucks and applied for administrative assistant positions but made no progress.

It was January when I received an email from my friend, L, instructing me to send my resume to her husband, P, immediately. There was an opening at his office and they would help me get my foot in the door. We were way beyond Starbucks, now. P is in a power position at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). This job was through a federal government contractor, so I applied with IMSG and began the interview process at NOAA. I didn't land that job.

A few weeks later, P told me there was a job opening for which I am infinitely more qualified and that I should submit my resume for that position instead. I applied to be a Communications Specialist in the Office of Habitat Conservation, interviewed, waited anxiously, and finally landed the job.

But this was no "job". This, as it turns out, is an entire career. A career I really love.

Some of my infatuation, I'm sure, is the novelty of it all. I am so clearly in the honeymoon-phase of this career. However, even in the most stressful moments and after the longest days, I have such an intense feeling of accomplishment and pride in what I am doing.

It's not just the work, I like many of the people with whom I work.

I still don't miss radio or regret the decision to leave. And now with NOAA to fill my need for mental stimulation, I know that this was fate. I was meant to move on to this whole new world.

The More Things Change

I spent months trying to make something happen with LDB. I knew he wanted me but I couldn't seem to make it happen. Now I have confirmation.
LDB was trying to connect and we finally managed to have a conversation longer than 5 mins and not in the form of text message. We covered all the usual things before I got up the nerve to ask him if he was seeing anyone. Of course, the answer was yes. He said it wasn't serious. That it was light and casual. It still cut me in half.

He said that he was trying to be careful because he knew I wanted a serious relationship and that he couldn't give me that, but he wanted to keep me in his life.

I was hurt, so I told him what I have been doing. I lashed out and I know it hurt him.

I admitted to him that I knew we could never be more because he wants children and I can't have them. This he doesn't believe -- or doesn't want to accept. For every reason we weren't right for each other that I brought up, he found ways to counter it. But the underlying pain when he said that he was glad I "have someone" and that I'm "happy" and that he doesn't have to worry about me...it betrayed him completely.

Where the f*** was this when I needed it? Why couldn't he say these things when I desperately wanted him to want me?

He sat theree tonight telling me how hot and fun I am. What a cool girl I am. He even said over and over what an amazing mother I would be. Now. He says this NOW.

Unbelieveable.

Meanwhile, I have heard NOTHING from the other one. NOTHING.
I was so arrogant. So full of myself. I actually believed that the problem would be that HE would get all moony over ME. That his feelings would be strong and misplaced and cause issues.

Yet again... The joke's on me.

Distractions

It's too funny.

For years I refused to get caught up in the hype that surrounded many of the books, movies, and TV shows which became popular during my years in radio. Frankly, most of them were geared toward teens and I just flat-out could not relate (not that I ever really made the effort).

One of the projects Mark and I both avoided was the Twilight series. The first of the "tween" books came out in October, 2005 and quickly became a phenomenon. However, no one expected us - at the ages of 30 and 38 - to read the books. Shortly after this, Mark and his wife even became addicted to High School Musical but still seemed to ignore the whole teen-emo-vampire extravaganza.

Even when the Twilight movie came out and we interviewed Ashley Greene (Alice Cullen) and I ADORED her, I still didn't cave: these books and movies were for for screaming teenagers! I DO NOT like vampires. It's beneath me! AND, Robert Pattinson is NOT that attractive!!! (She says, *sniffing* with her nose in the air)

But the seed had been planted. I was getting curious. I was seeing more and more older women reading the books and I started toying with the idea. Perhaps after my long list of Tudor reading, I would consider it.

Life became complicated with being unemployed for more than a year, fighting with my sister and lack of a love life. I wasn't even getting the same escape from my Tudor books anymore. I needed something new, so I took the plunge. I'd watched the Twilight movie on Showtime and didn't hate it. I ordered the novel the next day.

Within a few chapters, I knew I had to order the other three books so that there was no wait-time between. That was it, I was hooked. It proved to be the distraction I needed.

Oh the irony - now I would LOVE to have the radio show to use it as a cover for my new addiction!!! (Not to mention the movie premieres and interviews with the stars!) Ugh... I'm pathetic.

The Ebb and Flow

I have moved from my English basement apartment in NW DC into a townhouse in Silver Spring just blocks from the Woodside neighborhood where I owned my first home. Besides moving for the benefit of in-state tuition, I needed the peace of mind that the neighborhood would provide and the green space for Bailey. It has been working out very well - I love it here.

That alone has helped buoy my mood for a couple of months but there was a genuine contentment there as well. I finally felt settled.

Over the past two weeks, I've noticed something creeping in again. I can't put my finger on it. It's not exactly sadness -- at least not yet. But it's definitely a restless or empty feeling. Sadly, I know this feeling well. It's my cycle of depression that abates for a while and then returns with a vengeance.

At least I'm rational right now and can think it through... that won't be the case if/when hits.

It's a little like laying on a beach and feeling high tide coming and knowing that there will be a period of time where my head will be under water and I won't be able to breath. I know that the tide will ebb but I won't know when I can breath again. I will panic but I will let it take me because I have no control. Darkness, despair, etc...

Sometimes I fight it and sometimes I let go and allow it to consume me. I'm just not sure which I will choose in the coming weeks.

Goodbye Honey

Although this will mean little to anyone else... I want to take a moment to say goodbye to a woman I'd known since childhood. Honey Hartman was my best friend's G-dmother, although that title does not do justice to the relationship with Sam and her family.

I so vividly remember being curious about this tough-as-nails woman with the thick German accent and being somewhat terrified of her. Honey was not just strong; she was a force of nature.

Over the years I learned so much about this woman's troubled history and began to understand her a little better and the fear subsided as my respect for her grew. There was also no lack of amusement when Honey was around.

Silently, I send my love and condolences to Sam's family and to Honey's children.

Been Too Long

I haven't written in such a long time... but not for lack of things about which to write.

A few of them needed more time in my brain before they could take shape in words. Some were just passing fancies that never really earned a place in my blog and some have needed to be aired out for months.

The topic that needed time to ruminate was the decision I made in September to re-establish communication with my sister Cathy and her family.

When tragedy struck her family with the death of my niece, Kier, I ignored EVERY cell in my body and agreed to fly out to Las Vegas to mourn with my sister. I was so torn: be there for my sister in a time of need or maintain the separation that has been so successful over the past 16 years.

I was lulled into a false sense of stability by the three daughters who were communicating with me on Facebook already while their mother was not online... yet. By the time they told me my sister Cathy needed me, I was sucked in mentally. But something deeper was screaming at me NOT to do it. Why... why don't I trust my intuition more often??? The trip was a disaster; a waste of both time and money I didn't have.

As I wrote at the end of the year, after the funeral, my sister joined Facebook and began emailing and posting non-stop. Her posts were sometimes nonsensical, mostly rambling and often insulting. One was downright anti-Semitic. She showed her Cathy colors again in sending me a letter about a month ago telling me how much SHE did for me when I was a child and how little my beloved Aunt Esta Ann did. She finished off by indirectly saying that I am not a good person. So by the time she and my friend Liz started ripping into each other last week, I'd already had enough.

When my health began to deteriorate under the stress, I made the decision to write a letter to Cathy telling her I no longer wanted any communication with her whatsoever. I did my level best to avoid nasty digs or insults but to still be firm. I made it clear that I don't feel the same way about her children and they have the option to stay on touch or move on. Then I deleted her from my friends and blocked communication on FB. So far Brittany, Jerin and Nikki are still on my FB list and posting on my page. (I know Nikki understands and I assume that she will stay in touch as long as I don't put her in the middle)

This decision was not made lightly and I have had a very tumultuous few weeks mentally and physically.
I have been agonizing over the guilt I feel about not being loyal to family versus the damage caused by all the drama and chaos.

So although I moved quickly to put an end to this, I am still in the process of reconciling my decision.
Specifically: how can I complain about not having love and a family in my life when I have made this choice? I thought I had a great capacity for unconditional love, yet I am putting conditions on my biological family. Clearly I have a way to go on the reconciliation.