Mixed Emotions

As I think back to the time I've spent with LDB recently, I am left questioning my own feelings almost as much as I question his.
Nothing about this situation is normal - including MY behavior.

I thought this before, but last night confirmed: I am not my usual self around him. I am not, in any way, putting on an act or trying to be someone I'm not. Just the opposite. Perhaps it's more appropriate to say LDB brings out a different side of my personality.

I really like that the time we spend together is always instigated by him. But this is not exactly an exclusive invitation. He goes out all the time with various cousins, friends and a ton of women. He's not dating them, but he's certainly spending lotsa time getting to know lotsa different chicks! And yes, I often hear about it. He is full of swagger and stories on the phone but never does it to my face - which I also find telling.

But back to my behavior... it's just plain different from who I used to be when a man I like comes over. Usually, I will be very anxious and nervous. I am never nervous when he calls or he's coming over. I'm happy - to be sure. But not freaking out. I calmly prep the house, prep some fruit to snack on and I have been perfectly relaxed while he was over. (although, the first night I did sit looking at him wondering the whole time if something would happen? Pathetic!)

In fact, relaxed has been an understatement. Both times now, we have sat or lay on the couch watching movies in comfortable silence. Laughing at the movie, but no real conversation. Both times, he was starting to fall asleep and last night so was I. He even remarked how comfortable it was with the warm fire in the fireplace and laying back on the couch. I love that he feels comfortable but wonder if he finds spending time with me boring? I keep thinking I need to plan entertainment for the next time.

When there is conversation, I am not the main talker or the story-teller. So many times I've looked back on time spent with a man and thought I was "on." I felt the need to perform and entertain him the way I would at a personal appearance. Everything that I hated about my life while I was in radio. I wasn't "me," I was "Kris Gamble."

When we are talking, I am far quieter than LDB. I defer to him. He tells the stories and makes the jokes and I laugh and ask follow-up questions. I even catch myself holding back compliments and not expressing feelings if I think they will make me look like a lovesick puppy. (This is CLEARLY a reflex from our past and my pain)

I am left wondering about my feelings for him and whether my behavior is a sign?

Perhaps I'm just feeling cautious because I don't really believe this is going anyplace and I don't want to get my hopes up or get hurt again?
Maybe the feelings I have are just more mature and calm thanks to our very difficult shared experience and length of time we've known each other?

I don't think I can ever really know until my feelings are put to the test. The test will come when he either tries to have a relationship with me or has one with someone else.

Old Habits Die Hard

For the first time in a LONG time, I'm in a terrible mood.

Even my disastrous trip to Las Vegas for my niece's funeral didn't leave me feeling as angry and upset as I do now. It's all tied to the events of this week and it's all my own fault.

Sunday afternoon I got a call from LDB saying "Hi" and catching-up. Ever since our talk about our feelings, I've been better about calling and texting him but still laying back to let him call me. At the end of the call, he asked what I was doing that night and if I wanted to do something. Cutting to the chase, we agreed that he would come over to my house and we'd watch DVDs or TV.
We sat on the couch and watched The Hangover. LDB - from the start - was fidgety and couldn't seem to get comfy. I offered to let him lay back on me and promised not to touch him. He did and I kept my promise - NOT EASY.

Once his head was on the pillow in my lap all I could think about was him. Touching him, kissing him... anything! I stared a lot. I still think him one of the most handsome men I've ever known. He was careful not to touch me.

After the movie, I thought he would go, but he asked for another cup of tea and we watched House. (I was in heaven! House and LDB at the same time!!! Two of my favorite things in my living room!!!)
By midnight he was falling asleep and got up to go. At the door, once again, he did a quick hug and ran out. I can only assume he thought I was going to try to kiss him? Run LDB, run!!!

I had an intense week of exams ahead of me and all I could think about was LDB. I was SO angry with myself for losing focus again. For weeks all I thought about was school and merely spending a night on a couch with LDB changed all of that. I was in such a good place and I'm walking right away from it. And for what? Deep down, I don't really believe that LDB will ever want to be with me, seriously or long-term.

Following swiftly on the heels of that visit, I had my first physics exam and I did NOT DO WELL. Proof positive I lost focus.
Part of me is angry with myself for having LDB come over instead of studying Sunday night. I really believed I had a grip on the material. I got a 70. I am devastated!!! I cried. I don't think I ever cried over a grade before. Granted, I passed. And the professor's policy is to drop the lowest exam score, but I am still SO disappointed in myself.
I've been on the phone with Craig getting tutoring and this was likely to be the easiest of the tests this semester - all of which doesn't bode well for me.

I fell back into all my old depression habits and now I'm struggling to change my behaviors back again: including regaining my laid-back attitude toward LDB. Not easy when he calls again Wednesday and we talk and laugh for 1.5 hours.

My feelings about school are more straight forward: Failure is NOT an option.