Old Habits Die Hard

For the first time in a LONG time, I'm in a terrible mood.

Even my disastrous trip to Las Vegas for my niece's funeral didn't leave me feeling as angry and upset as I do now. It's all tied to the events of this week and it's all my own fault.

Sunday afternoon I got a call from LDB saying "Hi" and catching-up. Ever since our talk about our feelings, I've been better about calling and texting him but still laying back to let him call me. At the end of the call, he asked what I was doing that night and if I wanted to do something. Cutting to the chase, we agreed that he would come over to my house and we'd watch DVDs or TV.
We sat on the couch and watched The Hangover. LDB - from the start - was fidgety and couldn't seem to get comfy. I offered to let him lay back on me and promised not to touch him. He did and I kept my promise - NOT EASY.

Once his head was on the pillow in my lap all I could think about was him. Touching him, kissing him... anything! I stared a lot. I still think him one of the most handsome men I've ever known. He was careful not to touch me.

After the movie, I thought he would go, but he asked for another cup of tea and we watched House. (I was in heaven! House and LDB at the same time!!! Two of my favorite things in my living room!!!)
By midnight he was falling asleep and got up to go. At the door, once again, he did a quick hug and ran out. I can only assume he thought I was going to try to kiss him? Run LDB, run!!!

I had an intense week of exams ahead of me and all I could think about was LDB. I was SO angry with myself for losing focus again. For weeks all I thought about was school and merely spending a night on a couch with LDB changed all of that. I was in such a good place and I'm walking right away from it. And for what? Deep down, I don't really believe that LDB will ever want to be with me, seriously or long-term.

Following swiftly on the heels of that visit, I had my first physics exam and I did NOT DO WELL. Proof positive I lost focus.
Part of me is angry with myself for having LDB come over instead of studying Sunday night. I really believed I had a grip on the material. I got a 70. I am devastated!!! I cried. I don't think I ever cried over a grade before. Granted, I passed. And the professor's policy is to drop the lowest exam score, but I am still SO disappointed in myself.
I've been on the phone with Craig getting tutoring and this was likely to be the easiest of the tests this semester - all of which doesn't bode well for me.

I fell back into all my old depression habits and now I'm struggling to change my behaviors back again: including regaining my laid-back attitude toward LDB. Not easy when he calls again Wednesday and we talk and laugh for 1.5 hours.

My feelings about school are more straight forward: Failure is NOT an option.