The Remains of the Year

The past few months have brought a few surprises, both good and bad. I hardly know where to begin...

Let's wrap-up the whole LDB thing first. Once LDB and I struggled through our communication issues around Thanksgiving, I began to understand a little better what was really going on. Of course there were underlying factors and I just wasn't aware of what they were.

For my part, I knew I was having a hard time getting to a place in my head and heart where I could really trust him again. For his, I now believe that depression was driving his erratic behavior. During our last conversation he made some very telling comments about having everything he wanted and how he should be happy, but feels numb. This understanding allowed me to relax and accept the situation a little better.


I finished my first semester back in college in December. I studied so hard and put in dozens of hours but still ended with a major disappointment. Biology was hard but never really an issue for me. I'd maintained a low A or a high B throughout the semester. However, I struggled through physics all the way. By mid-term, I'd pulled my physics grade up to a B and could finish with that as long as I scored a C or better on the final. After never scoring lower than a 70 on any exam in physics, I failed the final. I still cannot wrap my brain around how I only got a 47.5!!! I studied diligently and it didn't feel difficult while I was taking it. I'm baffled. Embarrassed. Sad. Disappointed. I finished with a C for the semester. The grade is perfectly fine and will be acceptable to the Diagnostic Medical Sonography program but I expected so much more out of myself.
Speaking of the DMS program, I am applying next month despite the very long odds of being accepted this coming year. I still need to figure out what I'm going to do for another year.


The unexpected death of my twenty-two year old niece opened a door with a portion of my family, which I would have been happy to keep closed. I just don't know how to act around them. I can't be myself because myself is very judgemental and I have no desire to hurt them. It's not as if they've hurt me, we just have nothing in common other than our blood. My sister has discovered the joys of Facebook and is now in constant contact. The other sister remains estranged - her choice.


I'm getting ready to move, yet again. This basement apartment is adorable but the lack of space and the dangers and discomfort of the city are too much for me to handle. I am going back to the Woodside area of Silver Spring and by June, I will have a roommate. My old next door neighbor, Liz, is leaving her husband and needs to be near-by for their daughter. I don't particularly want a roommate, but I am facing a very difficult money situation next year and this will bring my spending in line.


My head has been spinning with so many things as this year comes to an end. But I think I'll save that for another post...

Over and Out!

My worst fears were recognized and my last two calls to LDB went into voicemail. One directly and yesterday he let it ring and ring.
He never called back or replied to my dinner invitation which really bummed me out.

I'd crafted a pretty nasty letter - in my head. But in general I decided to just let it go.

He texted me Happy Hanukkah in Hebrew the other day. While there's no excuse for his not calling back or replying to my invitation, he has been incredibly busy with his mother visiting from Israel, work and their trip to San Francisco to see his brother. All of which I did know about but forgot.

The important thing is that we are not in a "fight" or playing some silly games. Being angry at LDB is really hard on me. It consumes me and makes it hard to think about anything else. Not what I need during final exams.

Losing Focus

How very sad.

I embark on a whole new life, leave behind a twenty year career and go back to school for a brand new career... and all I can write about in this blog is LDB.

I am about to wrap up my first semester and get good grades and move forward in this entirely new life and all I can think about is the fact that I called him this week, left a message inviting him over for dinner, and haven't heard a word back.
I tried. Nothing more I can do.

But I HATE that it's making me feel so sad. I hate that I feel like crying.