Accidentally - on purpose...

This has been a CRAZY week. Fascinating, but crazy.
This week alone I was confronted three separate times with the topic of getting pregnant "accidentally - on purpose."
You know, having sex with a guy at just the right time and "Ooops! Guess what? You're gonna be a daddy whether you like it or not!!!"
Possibly the most shocking thing about this topic is that the three sources were all in favor of it!

I was so disturbed by it all week that I could neither respond to their emails nor post on this blog about it. I couldn't even
get my thoughts together without having a mental tirade! How on earth could anyone ever think that is a good course of
action? Now I know why this world is so effed up! Does anyone have any moral or ethical fiber anymore? Worst of all, two of the emails were from "older" men! I expected so much more from their generation.

Granted, I think when men write to me to criticize the use of a sperm bank, I believe it is more about their feeling that men will eventually be superfluous. That women will eventually find a way to "make" sperm without a man and buy it at the bank.
But this is ridiculous and the dream (perhaps) of only a few misguided lesbians. Relax, men are safe (for now).

The most disturbing of the email was a pot on a message board from a woman asking for the group's opinions on her desire to accidentally get pregnant by her married boyfriend. She stated that she had "such a problem" with the idea of going to a sperm bank and couldn't possibly explain that to her child someday. HUH? You'd rather tell your kid that Mommy first chose to keep having sex with a married man (with other children) and then lied and conned him until she was preggo. Then, Daddy didn't want anything to do with Mommy or YOU (the child).

Yeah...try that one on sister...see how that works out for ya. And let's face it, this woman secretly harbors the notion that this man will realize what he is missing, leave his wife and child and marry her to raise THEIR baby! She won't admit it, but why else would you try to engineer such a horrible situation?

This manipulative, childish, selfish and appalling behavior is exactly why women get accused of doing this stuff even when they're NOT! This woman not only makes a bad name for the rest of us, but let's face it, she is in NO frame of mind to raise a child right now. She has such low self-esteem as to believe that this is her only option? Just imagine the type of daughter she'd raise. Furthermore, I can predict that if/when this man completely cuts off this woman and her child, she will turn around and cry "victim."
How do I know? After she posted her question about doing this -- asking for the opinions of the group -- she wrote again upset that she was attacked and judged by so many. SHE ASKED FOR THAT! Don't ask the question if you don't REALLY want to know the answer. She didn't want a straight answer...she wanted permission to carry out this sick and twisted plan.

I know I sound harsh and judgmental but I am speaking from experience...just read the early posts of this blog! However many unsuitable or unavailable men I've dated, I have NEVER wanted to get pregnant accidentally - on purpose. It is an idea that nauseates me -- especially with all of the technology today to help us have a child without ruining other lives!

Donations Welcomed

Although there's very little I can do to move forward with getting preggers until I find a fertility doctor I like, one little task I need to tackle as soon as possible is finding a sperm donor. I want to have all my little swimmers in a row before I start testing my reproductive system, so that I'm all good to go when I do get the green light to start trying to conceive.

I looked at a few sperm banks online but it was all very overwhelming at first. The most disappointing thing about the available sperm banks is the lack of photos. Most of the reputable banks either don't offer photos at all or you must pay extra to view them. In fact, some of the sites find a way to squeeze every nickel and dime out of you before you even commit to buy a single sample! (And by sample, I mean a vial of sperm. This ain't Costco people, they don't let you try before you buy!)

Facing the daunting task of finding a donor and then finding the money to pay for him, I thought first whether there was a man already in my life who I would consider using as a donor? I came up with two candidates.

"Mr. French" is a man I've known for about six years and made out with once (on my birthday). Mr. French is a Moroccan, French Canadian, Jew who works as a personal trainer in Washington, DC. He's about 6'2" and built like an Adonis. Did I mention he is one of the most beautiful men I've ever laid eyes on? We went through a rough patch where he constantly led me on and then never asked me out, but we eventually got past that and rebuilt the friendship. He's 38 and single with no prospects.



"Mr. Beckham" is a man I met through an online dating site but never actually dated. We had several friends in common and were acquaintances and communicated only by email and IM for about a year before becoming friends. As friends, I nursed a little crush on him for a while but he was not interested in me. (I think he thinks I'm too old -he dates 22 year olds.) He is 35, an IT recruiter in Virginia, Israeli by birth, a little short (5'7"), very attractive and athletic (thanks to lots of soccer) and a very kind, sweet friend. Oh, and we had sex twice. Friend sex. But pretty great friend sex.

I started with Mr. Beckham. I presented my case and asked him to consider donating his sperm. He asked for time to think about it, but eventually said no. I wasn't as crushed as I thought I would be because I prepped myself for a "no."
I can't say that I would say yes, if I were a man either. Unless you are a gay man, it really could be a very sticky situation. No pun intended.

After that, I sent an email to Mr. French asking the same of him. I never got a reply. There is an element of flakiness to him, so I was not at all hurt or surprised. Either he never saw the email or was completely nonplussed. Again, it's fine and I figure this is the way it was meant to be.

There would have been a lot of advantages to having a "Known Donor." It does make uncovering medical records and family history a LOT easier. I did like the idea of knowing that I cared about the man who gave me this gift. I would also have liked my child to meet his biological father or even have him in his life in a limited way (if the man wanted that).

I harbored no delusions that either of these men would ever want to be an active father in my child's life, nor would it ever develop into a love relationship with me. Sadly, there are women in my SMC online group who do exactly that; approach a donor praying someday the man will want to marry them. It feels so pathetic when I read their confessions. That just reinforced my decision to move on to a sperm bank donor.

So, the search continues...

What Were You Thinking?!?!?!

If I were a friend of mine and I told me what I was thinking...I may just have to MURDER ME!!!

I received an invitation to a birthday party today. An old friend is throwing a big bash in Washington, DC in May and asked me to fly home for the event. The opportunity to go home, see so many friends whom I love and have fun was one I'd never pass-up. Within ten minutes, I was looking for cheap flights.

Within twenty minutes, I had a thought: what if I called LDB and asked him to come to the party? Would he come? Would he even talk to me? Would I be opening a can of worms AGAIN???

If I were a friend of mine and I told me what I was thinking...I'd be shocked and horrified. How could that thought even crop up in the back on my mind after everything we went through? Am I really that much of a sick masochist? Why would I ever court that kind of pain again?

Why does my brain work like this? In high school, the more Joe Dare hurt me and turned away, the more I wanted him. I know this is not an uncommon human behavior... but it's sick! I had to have him. I could only be happy when I was with him. Down the road, I would learn that my feelings for him were not misplaced. He grew up into an amazing, kind, loving and sweet man. I happened to see that in him all along, even when he behaved like a jackass. There are still times when I wonder if we'll find our way back to each other one day. That was far too passionate a love affair to have meant nothing. And the fact that we are still in contact prompts those thoughts (and hot dreams) too.

This cannot be something I allow to permeate my thoughts as I prepare to move home to Washington.