A Stranger Among Us

Many years ago, just after my mother passed away, my whole family scattered across the country. Frankly, we were barely able to tolerate each other and my mother was the glue that held us together. Without her, there was no reason whatsoever to be tortured by the company of our relatives ever again.
Because I have no real family to visit on holidays, I'm often invited to spend them with families of friends or the man I'm dating at the time. So, I have spent the majority of my holidays with strangers for the last 17 years. As a result, holidays hold no real special meaning to me anymore.
When people ask me what I'm doing for Thanksgiving and I say that I have no special plans other than relaxing at home, I am always met with a look of pity and an invitation to join them and their respective families for dinner. I'm always grateful for the kind offers but hate the position in which it puts me. Not only does it not bother me to be alone and do little or nothing on Thanksgiving, but it does actually bother me to spend a day with strangers and struggle for several hours to try to fit in.
I realize that this is going to come off a little bitchy and I'll sound like an ingrate, but I feel the need to tell the truth about the single gal in the strangers' homes.

1. It's not you, it's me. Please understand that when we turn down your kind offer, it's not an invitation for you to pressure us! We didn't say no because we were afraid to make more work for you or make you feel "put out." We are truly saying no because it's really what we want!

2. Alone Again, Naturally. Some of us really enjoy time to ourselves and sometimes a holiday is the only way we get some of that precious downtime. Just because spending a day alone may make you sad or lonely doesn't mean we all feel that way. In some ways, that is a holiday from the rest of our crowded, busy lives.

3. We Are (not) Family. As lovely as it may be to get together with family for Thanksgiving, it is actually very difficult for non-family guests. We are not only on our very best behavior and being personality plus but we are also (sometimes) dealing with the sadness of being the outsider. Some may miss being with their families and trying to smile and hide it is tough work!

It is important to note that none of this applies if the single gal in question is being invited to spend her first holiday with a boyfriend's family. That is a very special step in a relationship and that invitation will rarely be turned down!
Happy Thanksgiving!

Weighty Issues

I have these thoughts all the time. They all start with "Since I'm single, I should..."
Many of these thoughts include doing things that I have always believed would make me completely unappealing to the opposite sex. See the irony?

The one I have most often is, "Since I'm single, I should eat whatever I want and just go ahead and gain weight." Oddly, the only time I have ever really packed on the pounds is when I was in a committed relationship and living with a man for three years. We both got complacent and gained weight. A month after we broke up, I worked my ass of to lose it -- literally!
When I am single I think these types of thoughts a lot. My thought process usually starts with, "Hmm, I really want Chick-Fil-A for lunch, but I really shouldn't. Eh, why not? I won't gain that much weight. Maybe I'll start working out again. Although I doubt it. Who cares if I gain weight anyway? I'm single. No one wants me while I'm thin anyway; I may as well just eat what I like and gain the weight. Then maybe I'd understand why I don't have a man. Besides, there are many overweight women who fall in love and get married. Maybe that's me?"
It doesn't stop there. I go down this road with other areas of my personal appearance as well. Whenever I cut my hair short I reason with myself, "Men LOVE long hair. But they aren't the ones blowdrying it and dealing with it every day. Plus, many women with short hair attract men and get married. (Seeing a pattern?)
Changing my hair from blonde to dark after 16 years was a huge step. I did take the plunge and go auburn but I recently starting thinking about blonding-up again. Do you think more blondes or brunettes get married? Or...
"Perhaps I'll go out in sweats and without make-up just this once. It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone at Publix. Many women who go without make-up get married eventually." Ok, that one is bullshit.

I go out in sweats and without make-up all the time.

Playing this little game with myself cannot be healthy. Is this some sort of eating disorder?
I do care about my own appearance but I think it is purely tied to getting attention from men. And as I age, I get less and less of that attention whether or I'm thin or not. I get so tired of worrying about what other people think. At what age do we finally learn to accept our physical selves? Does body image continue to dog us into our golden years? Perhaps I'll start eating and hope for a heart attack instead.

Are We There Yet?

Autumn has finally come to North Florida and I couldn't be happier. I was desperate for cold air to hit my face. I couldn't wait to bust out my sweaters and jeans and maybe even a winter coat. Sadly, I won't get to have the type of winter I truly love with snow and ice.

I'm not going to bitch and complain anymore about being where I don't want to be. What I am going to do is change my situation. I am dedicated to making my life what I want it to be. For 20 years I've been at the mercy of my radio and television career. I've lived where the best job was. If that meant leaving behind the love of my life or a place that finally felt like home; so be it.
Well, no more.

It's finally time to take control of that aspect of my life. I want to be the one to decide where I live. That's such a foreign concept right now. I am praying that I can really have a career as a writer and be able to choose where I spend the rest of my life!

I'm just so tired of sacrificing. When do we get to do what we want to do, where we want to do it? Life feels like a long drive when you're a kid and don't recognize anything along the way. So I keep thinking, "Are we there yet?"

The Bushnell League

I am fresh from a visit to the New York Observer web site. No, this was no random visit. You see, I read that The Observer has begun to reprint and post the old original Sex and the City columns by Candace Bushnell. Being an obsessive SATC fan, (yes, even now - all these years after it ended), I decided I wanted to go back and read the archives from which the TV show I love was started.
I have one thing to say...WHAT THE FUCK???
This is the clever, witty, topical, funny writing that was so inspirational? This is CRAP. It's unreadable. What intelligent New Yorker read this column in the mid-nineties and thought this was groundbreaking? If anything, it proves that Darren Starr and Michael Patrick King are magnificent bastards! Darren for finding any usable material in the drivel that Candace turned out and King for writing what Candace didn't: a brilliant commentary on women, men, relationships and shoes.

I was actually giving Candace a second chance. I'd first discovered that she couldn't write when I read her follow-up to Sex and the City, called Four Blondes. My first reaction was: this woman scribbled some notes on a bar napkin, her publisher let an intern edit it and they put it on the market knowing it would sell millions based solely on the success of the HBO series unjustifiably credited to the same author. The book was horrible.
Now this woman has sold ANOTHER book to TV? Yes, Candace's book Lipstick Jungle is going to be a television series starring Brooke Shields. Although, I can't help but note that it's been pushed back yet again and is, at best, now a mid-season replacement.

Sad as it is to admit, part of the reason I wanted to be a writer was because of Carrie Bradshaw and SATC. I have a variety of other authors who inspire me as well but Carrie inspired me to write a column and keep it real. Deep down inside I know that Carrie Bradshaw is based on Candace Bushnell. Despite this fatal flaw in her character, I still love Carrie.

Slacker? I Hardly Know her!

No!!! I swear I haven't been slacking! It's just the opposite. I have been writing that column online for Jacksonville.com!!!
I wrote my first column last night using a post from here. Of course, I had to make it a little more "public friendly." Then I laid awake until 3 AM -- my mind buzzing with dozens of topics. I have the next ten columns already lined up in my brain. I feel great that I'm conquering one of my biggest fears about writing: lack of inspiration.
I was always scared that I would have a job where I had to come up with a topic and I would either come up with nothing or the things I would come up with wouldn't be interesting enough. The latter may still be an issue, we'll see!?

Elsewhere in life, I am dreading the next couple of weeks. I have really struggled since moving to Florida and it's about to get more difficult.
This part of Florida is unlike anyplace I've ever lived. It is not at all comparable to Miami or Ft. Lauderdale or even Sarasota. I live in Northeast Florida, near the Georgia state line. This, my friends, is the DEEP SOUTH. An interesting slice of America where people are actually proud to be called "Redneck." We are near the Christian Bible Belt and knee deep in Conservative Right Wing Republicans. Not exactly my utopia.
I came here from Washington, DC about ten months ago and have been battling homesickness. It hasn't just been the usual feelings that this move was forced on me by a job change or the sentimentality of missing my friends and the familiar. It has also been the realization that I am much more of a metropolitan "city girl" than even I knew myself to be.
I don't need to live on a busy city block with sirens screaming all night long, but I do need to be surrounded by people with the mental agility to spar with me. At the very least, I need a friend with whom I have something in common.
The one thing that made this place bearable over the last few months was my friendship with a co-worker named Lauren. We had a bond I didn't expect to find so soon. Lauren and I are both single Jewish women in our thirties, unhappy with our current situations. Neither of us is thrilled with our jobs, the men we meet or the city in which we live. We'd often talked about escape but she made good on it before I could. On November 21st, Lauren will move back home to Boca Raton to live with her parents and figure out what to do next.
Lauren was one of those people with whom you feel comfortable almost immediately. She was a true girlfriend in every sense of the word. Someone I could call crying about my latest dating disaster and on whom I could rely to attend High Holiday Services with me at a strange synagogue. (And I do mean strange)
I doubt we will ever live near one another again because I fully intend to move back up north at the first opportunity. However, I will always remember Lauren and be forever in her debt for making my first few months here a lot better. And Lauren, you should feel very good as you have carried out a very important mitzvah. Good Luck!

Blog Lite - Great Taste, Less to Read

Not feeling my best tonight, so this will be just a quick, little update post.

I took a step forward in my quest to be a writer last night. The local newspaper (like most) has an online partner. I noticed that this website invites members of the community to be columnsists. If approved, you can submit your column weekly, bi-weekly or monthly. The only downside is that I won't get paid to write the column.

I proposed a column called "Maybe, Maybe Not" to be written bi-weekly. This site already has two other women writing columns on being single and dating. Neither seems to be writing updated columns anymore and both were a completely different voice than mine.

My column will be the thirty-something single gal's life experiences with my special cynical slant. Think Sex and The City meets Elaine from Seinfeld. No silly pep talks. No religious coaching. Just the honest truth. You and I may never meet "The One." We may be single for life. But instead of waiting around for something that may not happen, LIVE YOUR LIFE! Celebrate YOU. Life is way too short to wait and hope for stuff to just happen to you.
Oh, plus I'll share all my really unbelieveably crappy dating experiences! That alone is worth the bookmark!
Click here to read my first column!

Like, What's Your Problem?

I've wanted to be a writer for a long time. At least ten years. For the first five years I was in my own head thinking about how many great stories I could cull from my amazing life experiences. In the next five I started writing a novel. Well, writing off and on. Ironically, life is my inspiration to write but life keeps getting in the way of finishing my first book.
I'm about one-third finished just writing the story. I still need to go back in and flesh out the characters and add details and descriptions. I think about it every single day. I even think about it when I'm laying on the couch doing absolutely nothing. That's right, I lay there doing nothing when I could be writing my book. What the hell is my problem?
Sometimes I am just too tired from getting up at 4 AM and dealing with the everyday B.S. that comes with my job. But lately, I've been psyching myself out. I read a lot of books and I'm always comparing myself to other authors. I'm convinced that no one will want to publish my work or if they do, it will be in the half-off bin in a week.
I've rethought my subject a hundred times. I've tried to come up with a story I like better or that would be more marketable. I even started another book -- this time a non-fiction -- in the hopes of attracting a different audience. Really I've just found every reason not to pursue the dream of becoming a published author. And I've conveniently avoided all the rejection that comes along with submitting my work as well.

How do you stay motivated? How do you write when you really just don't feel like it? Do other writers go through this? I've heard about writer's block but what about writer's lazy-ass-wanna-lay-on-the-couch-and-watch-The-Young-and-the-Restless?

In With The Old...

I wrote in a previous post that I have really put myself out there to try to find that someone special with whom to have a family. Included in my methods were blind dates, set ups by friends, going to events specifically designed for singles and the dreaded Internet Dating Site! (Cue ominous music...Dum, dum, dum!!!)
I started out on a site that is super popular in the Washington DC area called JDate - the Jewish online dating site. It was a perfect place for me to start as I had just started my conversion and I wanted to meet Jews in the area. Plus, I felt safer knowing that several friends had used the site without any major issues.
The first time I went on the site when I was 37, I found a few interesting candidates around my age.

JDate #1: A man in his early 40's met me for drinks/dinner at Rio Grande in Bethesda. Three minutes in, I knew this was NOT the man for me. He said he was 42 but this guy wasn't a day under 50. He was loud, obnoxious and completely in love with himself. He seemed to think this obnoxious behavior was perceived by others as him being "funny." The worst part had to be that he thought the date went great and asked to see me again. When I said no, he proceeded to call me a bitch.

JDate #2: A man in his mid-thirties who also met me at Rio Grande, but a different location. This guy was possibly the dullest person with whom I've ever spent time. I don't want to be unnecessarily cruel about him - he seemed kind hearted and polite - but I couldn't stop yawning and feeling as if my eyes were weighted. This lunch seemed as thought it would never end.

I almost quit right there. Then the next phase clicked in...every 25 year old on the site began emailing and instant messaging me! When I told them I was too old for them I got the "age is just a number" reply. This went on for weeks. It got to the point where I got no interest from men my age but I was overrun with Jewish dudes under 30 and over 60! Brutal!
I finally broke down and went out with one of the 25 year old guys.

Itsik is Israeli, had only been in the U.S. about two years and was working at the Israeli Embassy at the time. I'd given him my phone number on a particularly low Thursday because he was being so sweet trying to cheer me up on instant messager. Then he called and talked me into meeting him for a drink. What harm could it do? I'd meet him for one drink and we're out. But he insisted on picking me up at home. I wasn't totally comfortable with it, but again, my defenses were down.
It happened when I opened the door. I fell. Hard. He was adorable. Going out for drinks only made it worse. He was sweet and charming and hilarious! I'm sure it has something to do with having to serve in the Israeli Army at 18 no matter what, but he certainly had perspective beyond his years. In a haze of margaritas and laughter, I forgot he was 25. Drinks turned into dinner which turned into a good night kiss. I was smitten. And best of all, he gave me hope that I may still find a connection in this world.