School Daze

I sit here today on the edge of an entirely new life.
I am incredibly excited and scared and equal to the challenge that awaits me.

Tomorrow, I begin taking college classes for the first time in 20 years! The task of going back to school and getting a degree would be daunting enough, but to top it off I am not yet accepted into the Montgomery College program of my choice (Diagnostic Medical Sonography) and run the risk that I won't be accepted by the deadline March 1.
Despite counseling with an advisor, plotting and planning, I will not have all of the required classes completed by the deadline and they could tell me I must wait an ENTIRE YEAR before applying again.
Of course, I am going to introduce myself to everyone in the department, try to befriend and charm them and then beg to be allowed into the program. I will have to play the unemployed 41-year-old card. And any other card I can find up my sleeve.
The prospect of not being accepted into the program frightens me far more than anything else.

I expect great things from myself. I demand nothing less than a 3.0 in every class, if not better. I want to achieve and prove that I can do this and I'm NOT just a trained monkey on the radio. Okay, then, at least I'll be a BETTER trained monkey.

Dans mes reves...

Is anyone out there as affected by their dreams as I? I am, at times, so moved by the people and events in my dreams that I take action in my waking hours. Most often, I have called people in those dreams especially if I haven't spoken to them in a while or if we need to talk over issues.

I have been told by trusted advisors that dreams are our brain's way of working out things we may not be able to work out during waking hours. This makes an incredible amount of sense to me, especially when I look back at the dreams I've had about the relationships in my life. However, what fascinates me are the dreams I have about these relationships when the men are no longer an active part of my life.

My dream last night is a perfect example of these mysterious blasts from the past. I had a very detailed, in depth and realistic dream about my first love, Joe Dare. Over the years, I have dreamt more of Joe than anyone, save my mother. Joe and I have little contact anymore except for the occasional note or posting of photos on Facebook. He is married and the father of two gorgeous children. I cannot lie; I have had days of looking at photos of his family and thought, "it should have been me." I mean absolutely NO disrespect to his wife, but I always believed we would end up together and that I would have a family with him. In fact, when the opportunity presented itself for us to finally consummate our long-time feelings, I backed down out of deference to his (now) wife and my relationship at the time.

Once again, he appeared in my dream last night as he does about once a month. Sometimes the dreams are physical, sometimes not. No matter what the level of sexual activity between us in the dream there is ALWAYS a feeling of deep love and desire. The troubling part is the fact that I usually awake with those same feelings. Even now, many hours after that dream, I am tearing up thinking of how much I will always love that man.

I know, without a doubt, that I will never again be in a relationship with Joe Dare beyond friendship. Rationally, I have accepted that fact and I am happy that he has found love and happiness with his wife and children.

But I also know that there is a place - deep inside my brain or maybe my soul - where I haven't let go of him or the dream of being loved by him or spending my life with him. It is from this place that these dreams and my tears spring. I want so desperately to be at peace without Joe, not only in my waking hours, but deep within my soul.

Considering it been 20 years since we were last together, I'm starting to think I'm never going to get over him.