So...there I am on May 26th, my birthday, checking email on Facebook and My Space. I see that I have a message from my ex, IA, wishing me a happy birthday and asking me what's new? I was reluctant to write back at first, but he seemed to be offering me an olive branch after the whole LDB debacle. I decided to go along with it and went to his Facebook page to reply...
That's when I saw it... the posting called "J & L's Wedding pics." My heart stopped for a moment. I had actual pain in my chest. It was like taking a bullet. I held back the tears for a few minutes, but then they came fast & furious!
Perhaps they are newly posted pics of their first wedding a few years ago? It was just a couple of photos of L and the boys taken at what I supposed to be their house in Silver Spring, MD. They could be old... but WHY POST THEM NOW??? WTF?
It took me many minutes to process what I was seeing. I tried to wrap my head around the idea that they reconciled and friends were posting photos of them. Sadness came first. Then anger. I felt as though IA intended for me to see the photos.
I didn't think it possible to feel worse than when J called me Christmas morning and I lied to save L. I said I pursued him and tried to initiate the affair. This felt one hundred times worse. Now, the joke is on me. See, when I took the blame, I believed I knew better. My knowing the "truth" was a pacifier. Seems as though it was only MY truth.
The truth MAY have been that L loves J but he was going through a rough, unhappy patch. He didn't WANT a divorce, he felt like he had no options. He wanted her, and only her, but he wanted her to agree to live the life they planned. I was just a catalyst, a wake up call. I was just an instrument. But that makes me MORE angry!
These three little pictures and the title brought up so many feelings I'd successfully buried over the last few months. They threatened to undo all the the work I'd done to get past this.
I am a bit angry because I want to understand the need to put this in my face. I've had NO contact ANY of them after our drama. For their purposes, I dropped out of their lives - forever. Why do this now?
