A few weeks have passed since my last posts about LDB and the situation has shifted almost as often as my feelings about the situation.
Although I vacillate between wanting him and not, it's not always dependent upon his behavior as it was in the past. For instance, he called me while I was in Las Vegas for my niece Kier's funeral and again when I got home. At the end of the last phone conversation he asked me to call him back. I said I would but never did. I wondered what he was thinking over the next few days when he never heard from me, but still didn't feel moved to call him. I felt like I had nothing to say. If I wasn't going to flirt or express my real feelings or really be myself, what would we talk about?
He called back yesterday evening on his way home from work and my lack of calls and texts came up almost immediately in our conversation. Now, I SWEAR I wasn't being manipulative or playing "hard to get" but I admit to being pleased with the results.
When our friend, IA, asked how things are going with me, he told him he thinks I'm playing "hard to get". Just the fact that they're talking about this speaks volumes. It told me what I needed to know - but I had to pursue it and find out how he feels about me.
When he told me about a woman who is pursuing him and commented that she's "effable," I had to draw the line and bring up MY feelings. I told him that hearing him say that some woman is effable makes me sick to my stomach because I still have feelings for him. I stumbled through it and didn't say it like that - but had to say it.
Eventually, he said he still had feelings for me too, but that he's not ready for a serious relationship or even dating.
It was all I needed. It settled so many of the unsettled feelings I had. My constant worries that he was jerking me around for his own vanity were driving me insane just as they had a year and a half ago.
Maybe we'll never be together... but I won't have to live the rest of my life wondering if I ever meant anything to LDB.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Resignation and acceptance
Conveniently, LDB has been absent from my life for a few days now and although my imagination continues to create lovely fantasies of our life together, it has allowed me to better control my conscious mind where he is concerned. I guess that is the best for which I can hope? That he will be an occasional visitor in my world and I will learn NOT to love him?
My greatest fear now is the prospect of his dating. I do not know how I will ever face seeing him with another woman. It was one thing to know he was or see him with his wife. Besides her claim being established far before I even met his friend, IA, deep down inside I never gave his love for her very much credit. That was clear in the intense joy I felt at being told that he had a crush on me.
I can't help but to find myself wondering how he feels about me now. I suspect I know already and that scares me because I assume he feels nothing but the warmth of friendship and shared history. But I know for a fact he has thought of more where I am concerned.
He mentioned missing me. He also talked of remembering what a good kisser I am. If you feel nothing but a friendly inclination, do you dwell on such things as these? However, I am likely reading into these things. I am probably projecting my desires upon him and his occasional, feeble recollections.
My brain is fighting violently with my heart almost daily.
My greatest fear now is the prospect of his dating. I do not know how I will ever face seeing him with another woman. It was one thing to know he was or see him with his wife. Besides her claim being established far before I even met his friend, IA, deep down inside I never gave his love for her very much credit. That was clear in the intense joy I felt at being told that he had a crush on me.
I can't help but to find myself wondering how he feels about me now. I suspect I know already and that scares me because I assume he feels nothing but the warmth of friendship and shared history. But I know for a fact he has thought of more where I am concerned.
He mentioned missing me. He also talked of remembering what a good kisser I am. If you feel nothing but a friendly inclination, do you dwell on such things as these? However, I am likely reading into these things. I am probably projecting my desires upon him and his occasional, feeble recollections.
My brain is fighting violently with my heart almost daily.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Stop it!!!
He has made it clear and if I continue to ignore it, I will be very sad and hurt.
LDB is NOT playing games. He is NOT leading me on. He has NO interest in me and that is clear. If I continue to dream about him and think about him and make efforts to make him want me, I will end up devastated again - and I will have NO ONE to blame but myself.
It MUST stop now. Stop thinking of reasons to get in touch with him. Stop finding things to do with or for him. Stop reading into his flirty remarks. Really. Stop.
It's YOUR fault this time, not his.
He DOESN'T WANT YOU.
(Buying into this yet?)
LDB is NOT playing games. He is NOT leading me on. He has NO interest in me and that is clear. If I continue to dream about him and think about him and make efforts to make him want me, I will end up devastated again - and I will have NO ONE to blame but myself.
It MUST stop now. Stop thinking of reasons to get in touch with him. Stop finding things to do with or for him. Stop reading into his flirty remarks. Really. Stop.
It's YOUR fault this time, not his.
He DOESN'T WANT YOU.
(Buying into this yet?)
Monday, September 7, 2009
Not in a Million Years
So there I am in the middle of the whole "Life Makeover" thing when a really weird thing happens...
This was my first week of classes and it was a busy one! Besides biology, I also had my best friend's brother, Jamie, coming to stay over for one night with his son, Aidan, after an MLS game at RFK.
I was waiting for Jamie's call to pick them up from the metro Wednesday night when I got a message on Facebook from my long, lost ex, IA, asking for my phone number. It had been a year and a half since the LDB debacle and curiosity got the better of me and I gave it to him. While I waited for the phone to ring, I got a text message. FROM LDB.
That's right. THE LDB. The one I blogged about right here (and in the Florida Times-Union). The LDB for whom who I fell so hard a year and a half ago. The LDB who was married and had no business being with me at all. The LDB whom I could not make happy. The LDB whom it took me so many months to get over.
I've spent some 18 months mentally repeating "I hate you, I hate you" every time his face popped into my mind. And that was often. And here he was on my phone. Again.
After a brief but highly informative back and forth - he learned that I lived in DC again and I learned that he was divorced - he asked what next? I answered, "Call me." And he did.
We talked for 2.5 hours. And again the next night for 2.5 hours. He called six times between Wednesday and Saturday. He emailed and texted. He asked me out to dinner. I went.
I can't even write this entry the way I normally would. I can't sit here and type every word we said, or wrote. He wrote and texted and said just enough to me to let me know that he didn't forget me. Just enough to tell me he still thinks about me and us together. Just enough to make me wonder what he wants now. It seems to be that he means only to make amends and be friends again.
I am in such a strange place. At exactly the moment when I let go of any and all desire to be with a man and found happiness alone, LDB found me and insinuated himself back into my life. Even as nothing more than a friend, this man has a gravitational pull which cannot be denied. He makes me want things and dream the dreams I stopped having after my miscarriage in January of 2008.
My sad, feeble imagination takes everything he says and explores it for the most miniscule hint of affection or desire.
I will not admit it aloud, not even to closest friends: I love him. Still. I want him. I think about him and dream about him incessantly.
Who knows why some people affect us they way they do? It certainly isn't rational. I cannot explain it but he is still the very picture of all I ever wanted and hoped for myself in regard to love, family, home and happiness.
In reality, I don't think it will ever happen.
I am fairly sure he will never love me the way I love him, or the way I want to be loved. Now, I must find a way to not only live with that knowledge - as I have these 18 months - but to live with it while he actually remains in my life.
This was my first week of classes and it was a busy one! Besides biology, I also had my best friend's brother, Jamie, coming to stay over for one night with his son, Aidan, after an MLS game at RFK.
I was waiting for Jamie's call to pick them up from the metro Wednesday night when I got a message on Facebook from my long, lost ex, IA, asking for my phone number. It had been a year and a half since the LDB debacle and curiosity got the better of me and I gave it to him. While I waited for the phone to ring, I got a text message. FROM LDB.
That's right. THE LDB. The one I blogged about right here (and in the Florida Times-Union). The LDB for whom who I fell so hard a year and a half ago. The LDB who was married and had no business being with me at all. The LDB whom I could not make happy. The LDB whom it took me so many months to get over.
I've spent some 18 months mentally repeating "I hate you, I hate you" every time his face popped into my mind. And that was often. And here he was on my phone. Again.
After a brief but highly informative back and forth - he learned that I lived in DC again and I learned that he was divorced - he asked what next? I answered, "Call me." And he did.
We talked for 2.5 hours. And again the next night for 2.5 hours. He called six times between Wednesday and Saturday. He emailed and texted. He asked me out to dinner. I went.
I can't even write this entry the way I normally would. I can't sit here and type every word we said, or wrote. He wrote and texted and said just enough to me to let me know that he didn't forget me. Just enough to tell me he still thinks about me and us together. Just enough to make me wonder what he wants now. It seems to be that he means only to make amends and be friends again.
I am in such a strange place. At exactly the moment when I let go of any and all desire to be with a man and found happiness alone, LDB found me and insinuated himself back into my life. Even as nothing more than a friend, this man has a gravitational pull which cannot be denied. He makes me want things and dream the dreams I stopped having after my miscarriage in January of 2008.
My sad, feeble imagination takes everything he says and explores it for the most miniscule hint of affection or desire.
I will not admit it aloud, not even to closest friends: I love him. Still. I want him. I think about him and dream about him incessantly.
Who knows why some people affect us they way they do? It certainly isn't rational. I cannot explain it but he is still the very picture of all I ever wanted and hoped for myself in regard to love, family, home and happiness.
In reality, I don't think it will ever happen.
I am fairly sure he will never love me the way I love him, or the way I want to be loved. Now, I must find a way to not only live with that knowledge - as I have these 18 months - but to live with it while he actually remains in my life.
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