What Have I Done Now?

What I have done is bring upon myself all of the grief and sadness I'd been working so long and so hard to escape. I have absolutely no one to blame but myself for my pain. Just when I thought I couldn't hurt any more than I do... LDB's wife calls.

On top of all the pain and doubt I feel about myself, I have now admitted that I sank so low as to seduce another woman's husband -- even when technically, I didn't. I wrote a long email to LDB to express how much he hurt me and his wife -- with whom HE STILL LIVES -- read it. By Christmas morning, she had gotten a hold of my phone number and called me to confront me. LDB had called to warn me ahead of time. That would be the last nice thing he did because he then allowed ME to lie and say that it had been ALL ME. Can you imagine? I still care about this guy enough to LIE for him and say that I'm a dirty whore who followed this woman's husband to Detroit. Now I have given him not only my heart, but my honor.

I am still painfully aware that LDB made huge mistakes and is also responsible for my pain. He can't seem to correspond with me without apologizing again and again. But really, I allowed him to hurt me. I let him in. I acted on all my emotional and physical attraction and completely ignored my brain screaming, "Don't do this!!"

Being on vacation, I have minutes, hours, days to think and rethink what happened. I am trying to come back from this devastation. Baby steps. Last night was the first time I haven't cried myself to sleep in more than a week. But that doesn't mean I've stopped thinking about LDB and my broken heart at least once every hour.

I allowed myself to be carried away far from reality. I opened up to him and told him things I've NEVER admitted to anyone. There's such a deep sense of betrayal now. That level of intimacy we reached made the end feel so much crueler. Like I was lured into the house with promises of candy and then shoved into the oven by the evil witch!!! I'm badly burned and desperately trying to find the bread crumbs I dropped so I can go home. (Hey, work with me here.)

My need for love is so desperate that I was willing to overlook all that is morally and ethically right in order to fulfill my own desires. And even after it was clear that my dream was not to be fulfilled, I took care of HIS feelings and reputation. I put myself in an awful position to try to save HIS TUCHAS. I slipped deeply into that co-dependent place again and this is why I've enlisted the help of my rabbi.

After a 90 minute phone counseling session, it is clear that this was a test from G-d and I failed. I forgot everything that was important to me about being a good Jew and a good person in general.

That Familiar Pain

I was right.

The phone call began like any other -- chatting about his weekend, mine, etc... There was the brief explanation as to where he was yesterday when he couldn't be bothered to call or even text me back. Of course, I already knew the reason and it had nothing to do with being busy or attending a party.

LDB made it clear that I failed to live up to his expectations.

It was just a "good" time, not great.
He actually said to me, "Was it amazing? Did it make me know exactly what I want? No."

I feel like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest.

WTF???

I am not a patient person. I am a typical, spoiled, instant gratification-loving American. I want what I want and I want it now. So now that there are issues with the man I am interested in, I'm not handling it very well.

That's right, it's only been a few weeks and we already have major issues. However, I don't happen to consider them anything that is insurmountable. To me, they are speed bumps. I wish I could say the same for LDB. It seems as though he does not believe in us the way I do. Perhaps it's just nerves. Perhaps I let him down on our long-awaited second date.

There are the two problems that we knew of from the start: his marital status and our geographic distance. The marital issue is further complicated by his current lack of a green card. He cannot file for divorce before April or he will be deported and will not be allowed back. I am under the impression this marriage is over but his wife does not know he is seeing me. There's a good chance she will not be agreeable about the situation and could cause trouble with his immigration status. They are not "legally" separated.

By Friday after our amazing reconnection, LDB was having major second thoughts. He expressed these to me on the phone that afternoon and I had a VERY severe reaction. I cried for three days. Literally. I can't say I even really understand why I feel this way. Why so much drama over this? We were acquaintances who were attracted to each other and are trying to take it to the next level. What was was tearing me apart about this?

When I told LDB how upset I was that he told me about all of his concerns, he said that he thought it was one of our best conversations. He feels if we can be that honest, tell each other our darkest fears and still make it work: that's a great, strong relationship.

Despite his misgivings, LDB invited me to come visit him in Detroit while he was there for work. I booked my flight immediately. I was even happier that in the days before I had my visit, LDB had begun to get excited about us again. He was talking to me like we were back on the same page. Until the visit.

I realize that it was not an easy thing to juggle me with his work schedule and whatever is really going on with his wife. His boss is very demanding and I think that LDB is even more demanding on himself. I tried to keep in mind that part of his behavior had to be attributed to distraction.

LDB was suddenly very shy around me. Compared to the night of the party, he was quite subdued. I felt incredibly awkward. We just had a quick kiss hello at the airport and nothing after that. He barely looked at me and didn't touch me once.

We took a tour of the hotel/casino and then sat for coffee and (as always) amazing conversation for a while before he had to go back for a work meeting. As always, I was fascinated by him. He told me all about the work he's doing and the men for whom he works. I kissed him goodbye at the valet and he seemed to warm up a little.

We went to dinner later that night with his boss. He told me earlier that he was nervous about two such important people in his life meeting. I *thought* got along fine with his boss but he made me nervous and I froze and went blank when quizzed me about certain simple Judaic facts. I felt like an idiot when I couldn't come up with the answers. LDB just sat there smiling and winking at me for support. Oddly, that worked.

Later, we went and had a glass of wine at the bar and it was here I realized he was completely disconnected from me. He stared at the bartender as I was trying to have a conversation with him. By the time we got back to the room, I wanted to just pack and leave. This was NOT good. I was suddenly with someone I felt I barely knew. Even worse, I was with someone who clearly didn't want to be there with ME!!!

LDB was in and out of bed and didn't sleep all night. But when he was able to stay next to me...he would snuggle up or touch me in some way. That was ONLY reason I didn't totally give up on him. The next day he continued to be the King of the Mixed Signals.

We went to his work site and then with his boss to the airport. I sat silently in the back seat and when I did speak, I felt as though nothing I said was good enough. The questions this time were mostly personal and career related. I felt inadequate in every possible way and I began to cry though I would NEVER let them see.

Our goodbye was quick and awkward at the car. In the safety of the plane I broke down and cried my eyes out.

Upon returning home, I planned to sleep for days. Good thing, because if I was waiting for a call or text from LDB, I would have been waiting an awfully long time. When I did hear from him after a day and a half, I texted him a good morning and then a Shabbat Shalom at 5 PM Friday. That got him to call for an extremely superficial conversation.

As of today, we have not spoken nor have I texted him. What a mess.

Happy Hanukkah to Me!

I am about to become that girl who drives all her friends crazy because she won't stop talking about a guy.
I don't want to be that girl...she is soo annoying! But I'm not going to be able to help myself. There is someone
whose name I want to shout from the roof tops.

So, in the interest of sparing my friends this boring chatter, I will blog all about him. Hopefully, I'll get it out of my
system by writing about him here and I won't need to constantly reference him throughout the day.

A few blog posts back, I wrote about the Israeli guy I dated a few summers ago. After fighting, breaking-up and plenty of stupidity, we have managed to become friends again. In fact, he even invited me to be his "date" for his company's holiday party this past weekend.

Now, seeing as I was bored with Jacksonville, DYING to go back to DC, I decided this would be a FABULOUS trip! Happy Hanukkah to me!!! Plus, he told me that all of his friends miss me and would be at the party to see me. How could I possibly disappoint them?

I told "IA" to meet me at the hotel elevators. I noticed it immediately: he was sweet and fun but was a bit detached. Even when posing for pictures, he wouldn't touch me! He would put his arm around me without touching me. Who does that???

I immediately assumed that he wanted to make sure I didn't think anything was going to happen. I was actually fine with that. Truth is, I wasn't feeling it either. I'm sure with enough alcohol I could feel it, but this was for the best.

Little did I know, he had ulterior motives. He failed to tell me that he has a girlfriend in Israel who is moving to the US to be with him at the end of this month. He also skipped over the fact that he invited me to the party for one of those friends who wanted to see me.

When I dated him, we often hung out with a couple who were close friends of his. From the moment I met them, I had a bit of a crush on the guy. It was not as if we spent a lot of time together and we were never alone but there was an electricity (at least for me) I was very drawn to him. I had these fantasies about the guy but I was also infatuated with IA so I would NEVER have done anything about it.

Plus, all those fantasies ceased when my now ex called to tell me that they were getting married. That was that. Oddly, it bothered me so much that I can remember exactly where I was when I heard this bit of news!

When he said that the guy wanted to come to the party to see me and that he was super excited, I must admit I got butterflies. I couldn't wait to see him and I was just praying he didn't bring his wife. When I asked if she was coming, he broke the news that they were not in a good place. IA said he didn't think they even talked anymore. He then told me that back when we were dating, the guy confessed he had a big crush on me. I was STUNNED! And few minutes later, I saw him.

It was like something out of a movie. I looked up and our eyes locked. He had a huge smile on his face and looked so incredbly handsome. I was transfixed. I ran to him and hugged him. Unlike the luke-warm reception from IA, LDB held me tight and I felt lightheaded. Chemistry. Very powerful.

When I think back now, I realize that my ex pretty much dropped off the face of the earth for me at that moment. I took LDB's hand and we went to get him a drink from the bar. We sat on a nearby bench and talked about everything that's happened in the last year. I have no idea how long we were there, but my ex had to come looking for us.

The conversation was amazing. It's crazy that we were sitting there getting to know each other as if we were on a great first date. Then again, I felt like we were!

With the way I was feeling, I couldn't help but question his marriage. He said that they wanted different things and it can't possibly work so they have separated and are planning to file for divorce.


By the time my ex came to get us, I'd forgotten I was there as HIS "date." He dragged us into the other room to dance, but we stayed on the side continuing to talk. After a while, it was undeniable. Something was going to happen. And I couldn't wait. It was like the natural progression of that great first date...eventually you want him to kiss you. At some point, he did and I couldn't hold back anymore. I felt a MAJOR connection.

Okay, it's not very mature, but we made-out like our plane was going down!

After the party, he walked me to my hotel room and I invited him in. I told him then and there I would NOT sleep with him. He said he had rules too and we had to have at least two more dates. So we continued to kiss and talk until almost 4 in the morning!

Lots of conversation about family and our mutual difficulties with our fathers.

I have thought of nothing and no one else since he left my hotel room. I've been running every moment back through my mind over and over. I love this time in a potential relationship!

A Hell of My Own Making

When I was fired from my radio show in Washington, DC one year ago, it was the perfect opportunity to make some changes in my life. I could start to think about a career outside of radio for the first time in my life. I could pursue my writing, apply to work at a company I really believe in, try to change my fate. The whole world was wide open -- limited only by my imagination. Well, and by common sense.

How do those people do it? I have friends who leave a job or a place with barely a dollar to their name and go to the city of their dreams to start anew? The mere thought of going without a salary or health insurance for more than a month is terrifying to me! I spent so many years listening to my mother complain about being poor and I absorbed every ounce of fear she felt about going under financially.

So, here I am, trapped in a hell of my own making with no escape for at least another year because I signed a 2 year contract with this radio station purely for financial security. And even in a year, I'm not sure I will have the guts to completely leave radio behind and start all over again at the age of 40.

My current situation feels completely untenable. I am working in a field that doesn't challenge me anymore and in which I lost interest a few years back. I am living in Florida: the most heinous state in the US and the only place I swore I'd never live again. At work, I am paired with a partner with whom the best of times feel like a root canal sans novocaine.

I have already begun looking for other jobs outside of broadcasting and outside of Florida. Of course, since I am not able to move right now or take another job, I am finding a TON of plum positions. All the right jobs in all the right places I'd love to live. That doesn't mean I would actually get hired...but this is MY blog and I'll assume if I want to!!!

I miss those days when I could make a decision and do something without thinking it through to the nth degree. I would fly by the seat of my pants into a new place and new life every couple of years. I would just live with the consequences of a capricious decision and everything always worked out fine. I broke so many leases in my twenties!!! What am I so afraid of? I don't have a family for whom I must provide or worry about uprooting. If my singlehood has provided no other luxuries, it has given me the ability to make decisions based soley on what's good for me and no one else.

And yet, I'm still paralyzed. There are so many what ifs.
(Like what if I never get out of this place?)