A Hell of My Own Making

When I was fired from my radio show in Washington, DC one year ago, it was the perfect opportunity to make some changes in my life. I could start to think about a career outside of radio for the first time in my life. I could pursue my writing, apply to work at a company I really believe in, try to change my fate. The whole world was wide open -- limited only by my imagination. Well, and by common sense.

How do those people do it? I have friends who leave a job or a place with barely a dollar to their name and go to the city of their dreams to start anew? The mere thought of going without a salary or health insurance for more than a month is terrifying to me! I spent so many years listening to my mother complain about being poor and I absorbed every ounce of fear she felt about going under financially.

So, here I am, trapped in a hell of my own making with no escape for at least another year because I signed a 2 year contract with this radio station purely for financial security. And even in a year, I'm not sure I will have the guts to completely leave radio behind and start all over again at the age of 40.

My current situation feels completely untenable. I am working in a field that doesn't challenge me anymore and in which I lost interest a few years back. I am living in Florida: the most heinous state in the US and the only place I swore I'd never live again. At work, I am paired with a partner with whom the best of times feel like a root canal sans novocaine.

I have already begun looking for other jobs outside of broadcasting and outside of Florida. Of course, since I am not able to move right now or take another job, I am finding a TON of plum positions. All the right jobs in all the right places I'd love to live. That doesn't mean I would actually get hired...but this is MY blog and I'll assume if I want to!!!

I miss those days when I could make a decision and do something without thinking it through to the nth degree. I would fly by the seat of my pants into a new place and new life every couple of years. I would just live with the consequences of a capricious decision and everything always worked out fine. I broke so many leases in my twenties!!! What am I so afraid of? I don't have a family for whom I must provide or worry about uprooting. If my singlehood has provided no other luxuries, it has given me the ability to make decisions based soley on what's good for me and no one else.

And yet, I'm still paralyzed. There are so many what ifs.
(Like what if I never get out of this place?)