Not in a Million Years

So there I am in the middle of the whole "Life Makeover" thing when a really weird thing happens...

This was my first week of classes and it was a busy one! Besides biology, I also had my best friend's brother, Jamie, coming to stay over for one night with his son, Aidan, after an MLS game at RFK.

I was waiting for Jamie's call to pick them up from the metro Wednesday night when I got a message on Facebook from my long, lost ex, IA, asking for my phone number. It had been a year and a half since the LDB debacle and curiosity got the better of me and I gave it to him. While I waited for the phone to ring, I got a text message. FROM LDB.

That's right. THE LDB. The one I blogged about right here (and in the Florida Times-Union). The LDB for whom who I fell so hard a year and a half ago. The LDB who was married and had no business being with me at all. The LDB whom I could not make happy. The LDB whom it took me so many months to get over.
I've spent some 18 months mentally repeating "I hate you, I hate you" every time his face popped into my mind. And that was often. And here he was on my phone. Again.

After a brief but highly informative back and forth - he learned that I lived in DC again and I learned that he was divorced - he asked what next? I answered, "Call me." And he did.

We talked for 2.5 hours. And again the next night for 2.5 hours. He called six times between Wednesday and Saturday. He emailed and texted. He asked me out to dinner. I went.

I can't even write this entry the way I normally would. I can't sit here and type every word we said, or wrote. He wrote and texted and said just enough to me to let me know that he didn't forget me. Just enough to tell me he still thinks about me and us together. Just enough to make me wonder what he wants now. It seems to be that he means only to make amends and be friends again.

I am in such a strange place. At exactly the moment when I let go of any and all desire to be with a man and found happiness alone, LDB found me and insinuated himself back into my life. Even as nothing more than a friend, this man has a gravitational pull which cannot be denied. He makes me want things and dream the dreams I stopped having after my miscarriage in January of 2008.

My sad, feeble imagination takes everything he says and explores it for the most miniscule hint of affection or desire.

I will not admit it aloud, not even to closest friends: I love him. Still. I want him. I think about him and dream about him incessantly.

Who knows why some people affect us they way they do? It certainly isn't rational. I cannot explain it but he is still the very picture of all I ever wanted and hoped for myself in regard to love, family, home and happiness.

In reality, I don't think it will ever happen.
I am fairly sure he will never love me the way I love him, or the way I want to be loved. Now, I must find a way to not only live with that knowledge - as I have these 18 months - but to live with it while he actually remains in my life.