A few weeks have passed since my last posts about LDB and the situation has shifted almost as often as my feelings about the situation.
Although I vacillate between wanting him and not, it's not always dependent upon his behavior as it was in the past. For instance, he called me while I was in Las Vegas for my niece Kier's funeral and again when I got home. At the end of the last phone conversation he asked me to call him back. I said I would but never did. I wondered what he was thinking over the next few days when he never heard from me, but still didn't feel moved to call him. I felt like I had nothing to say. If I wasn't going to flirt or express my real feelings or really be myself, what would we talk about?
He called back yesterday evening on his way home from work and my lack of calls and texts came up almost immediately in our conversation. Now, I SWEAR I wasn't being manipulative or playing "hard to get" but I admit to being pleased with the results.
When our friend, IA, asked how things are going with me, he told him he thinks I'm playing "hard to get". Just the fact that they're talking about this speaks volumes. It told me what I needed to know - but I had to pursue it and find out how he feels about me.
When he told me about a woman who is pursuing him and commented that she's "effable," I had to draw the line and bring up MY feelings. I told him that hearing him say that some woman is effable makes me sick to my stomach because I still have feelings for him. I stumbled through it and didn't say it like that - but had to say it.
Eventually, he said he still had feelings for me too, but that he's not ready for a serious relationship or even dating.
It was all I needed. It settled so many of the unsettled feelings I had. My constant worries that he was jerking me around for his own vanity were driving me insane just as they had a year and a half ago.
Maybe we'll never be together... but I won't have to live the rest of my life wondering if I ever meant anything to LDB.
No comments:
Post a Comment