Mixed Emotions

As I think back to the time I've spent with LDB recently, I am left questioning my own feelings almost as much as I question his.
Nothing about this situation is normal - including MY behavior.

I thought this before, but last night confirmed: I am not my usual self around him. I am not, in any way, putting on an act or trying to be someone I'm not. Just the opposite. Perhaps it's more appropriate to say LDB brings out a different side of my personality.

I really like that the time we spend together is always instigated by him. But this is not exactly an exclusive invitation. He goes out all the time with various cousins, friends and a ton of women. He's not dating them, but he's certainly spending lotsa time getting to know lotsa different chicks! And yes, I often hear about it. He is full of swagger and stories on the phone but never does it to my face - which I also find telling.

But back to my behavior... it's just plain different from who I used to be when a man I like comes over. Usually, I will be very anxious and nervous. I am never nervous when he calls or he's coming over. I'm happy - to be sure. But not freaking out. I calmly prep the house, prep some fruit to snack on and I have been perfectly relaxed while he was over. (although, the first night I did sit looking at him wondering the whole time if something would happen? Pathetic!)

In fact, relaxed has been an understatement. Both times now, we have sat or lay on the couch watching movies in comfortable silence. Laughing at the movie, but no real conversation. Both times, he was starting to fall asleep and last night so was I. He even remarked how comfortable it was with the warm fire in the fireplace and laying back on the couch. I love that he feels comfortable but wonder if he finds spending time with me boring? I keep thinking I need to plan entertainment for the next time.

When there is conversation, I am not the main talker or the story-teller. So many times I've looked back on time spent with a man and thought I was "on." I felt the need to perform and entertain him the way I would at a personal appearance. Everything that I hated about my life while I was in radio. I wasn't "me," I was "Kris Gamble."

When we are talking, I am far quieter than LDB. I defer to him. He tells the stories and makes the jokes and I laugh and ask follow-up questions. I even catch myself holding back compliments and not expressing feelings if I think they will make me look like a lovesick puppy. (This is CLEARLY a reflex from our past and my pain)

I am left wondering about my feelings for him and whether my behavior is a sign?

Perhaps I'm just feeling cautious because I don't really believe this is going anyplace and I don't want to get my hopes up or get hurt again?
Maybe the feelings I have are just more mature and calm thanks to our very difficult shared experience and length of time we've known each other?

I don't think I can ever really know until my feelings are put to the test. The test will come when he either tries to have a relationship with me or has one with someone else.