What I want

School has been a great distraction. It has really helped keep me from feeling lonely or sad about being alone and single.
Even though I tell people (like LDB) that I couldn't possibly have a relationship right now because I am too busy and focused on school, I wouldn't exactly say no to a relationship with the right man.

A few months ago, I was propositioned by a friend's husband. I was having dinner and wine with this couple, and boldly announcing that I need a "friend with benefits" so that I don't have to deal with this relationship crap. This was before LDB began calling again and right after my summer of idiot boys. This couple happens to be splitting-up and the man took my FWB speech as a cue that we could be of service to each other. The wife even contacted me to let me know that she would be fine with it.

I gave it a try. I kissed this man to see if there was chemistry. There was not. But even before that, I had so many apprehensions that I doubted it would ever happen. Even with the wife's permission, I was uncomfortable with the situation.

Here I am now, comfortable with being alone, but wishing again that I were not. It's not necessarily a desire to ONLY be with LDB... but more of an abstract feeling that I'd like to have that intimacy with someone. I don't need or want to go out and be wined and dined, but to have someone who will let me put my head on his shoulder... or sleep on his chest.

I miss that moment when someone takes my hand and I feel like the most special person on the planet.

Looking back over the past year, I realize I've had men on both ends of the spectrum of a relationship: either all sex or only friendly intimacy.

I certainly don't expect perfection... but I would really like the imperfection of trying again.