Nothing has changed in my relationship with LDB: we are still - frustratingly - platonic. We text, we call, we talk. We have the occasional evening together.
One major thing has changed in LDB's life: for the first time in 7 (?) years, LDB is living alone in his own apartment. I know how huge this is, and even that is probably an understatement.
He moved in Sunday and by Monday night, I was invited over. This made me very happy. My actual visit may have seemed like nothing special to anyone else but it left me more sure of my feelings for him than ever before.
On the surface, the night seemed like nothing special and almost didn't happen. LDB missed my call at 6, stopped by his boss's house to pick up more stuff, didn't get home until 9... I was annoyed. But he still wanted me to come over, so I went.
The moment I pulled-up at his new building, I realized where we were... this was where I met him 5 years ago living with the woman who would become his wife. It all came flooding back immediately. As I walked into the lobby I remembered everything: walking in with IA, being insanely nervous, being introduced to LDB at the door as I entered. I remember their apartment, the furniture, the dinner and eating cherries on the balcony. I remember LDB cooked. I remember his smile in the night air across from me on the balcony. And I remember thinking I had a crush on this guy - my boyfriend's best friend.
Tuesday night was slightly different. No boyfriend, girlfriend or wife. We were all alone in a different apartment that looks vaguely familiar.
Like the past few times spent together, this was relaxed, easy, comfortable. We laughed, we teased each other, we stood in his kitchen drinking tea, eating cookies and talking for an hour. Then we moved to the living room to watch TV.
Without a thought or hesitation, he lay next to me on the couch and put his legs up on my lap. Like we do it all the time. I loved the assumption. After a few minutes of more complaining about his back pain from moving, I offered a back rub. He rolled over and I sat on him and tried my best to work out the knots. I was sweating from a combination of working so hard and touching him. His skin was so smooth and soft. I kept looking at the freckle just above his waistband and to the right of his spine. The desire to kiss the back of his neck was almost overwhelming.
After the massage, he sat up and gently touched my arm and said "thank you". There was a split second I thought something more might happen. I thought maybe he would lean in and kiss me. He didn't. But there was something in that touch on my arm. An electricity. Just touching my arm, he made my heart beat wildly.
Because he gets up so early for work, I told him to tell me when he was ready for bed. Kick me out. But he didn't. Finally at 12:30, I decided I should go. He walked me to the door, but instead of even hugging him, I practically ran out. After all these years and all we've been thought, he still makes me nervous! I felt like I was 17. (and acted like it)
My endorphins were pumping so hard that I was wide awake thinking about him until 3 AM. Tuesday night gave me a clarity about my feelings for him. I now know exactly how I feel and what I want... and yet, NOTHING else has changed.
I don't know what he wants, how he feels or if I can trust him not to devastate me again.
No comments:
Post a Comment