Good Jew, Bad Jew

I converted from Christianity to Judaism. Officially, I became a Jew on April 18, 2006. However, I began living as a Jew long before that.
When you convert to Judaism you must commit yourself to a great deal of reading, studying and attendance of classes. Furthermore, you promise to begin living life as a Jew immediately. If you are converting Orthodox, you pledge to keep Kosher and obey all 613 commandments or "Mitzvot" in the bible. As a Conservative Jew the rules are slightly less strict and converting into the Reform branch of Judaism gives the greatest amount of leeway. Very few Reform Jews observe the laws of Kashrut (keeping Kosher).
I decided rather early in my conversion process that I would not keep Kosher. While I could observe most of the dietary restrictions, I looked at my life and thought that it would be a logistical nightmare! I was renting and could not afford to separate my meats and dairy, nor did I have the room to keep two sets of plates and flatware. I have learned that there are ways to do it without too much upheaval and I have plenty of Orthodox friends who seem to manage just fine.
I must admit -- of all the things I must and must not do since becoming a Jew -- the keeping Kosher thing nags at me the most. In fact, I think about being an Orthodox Jew all the time. Much to the dismay of my Hazzan and Jewish friends!

I used to live in a small enclave of Maryland with many Orthodox Jews. There was an Orthodox synagogue just a few blocks away and so many families purchased homes in my neighborhood in order to obey the commandments and walk to shul on the sabbath. I saw these families -- dressed in their modest clothing and black hats -- walking back and forth each Saturday. I find their devotion so inspiring.
I have longed since I was a child to marry and have a family but found it a lot harder to actually accomplish. I can't help but to think that since it is highly encouraged in the Jewish faith that everyone marry and procreate, I could finally find a husband and settle down if I were to devote myself to the stricter denomination.

There is a deeper issue of being a "Bad Jew" by not keeping Kosher or strictly observing all 613 Mitzvot. In a way, I feel as though I am a meat-eating vegetarian. I'm afraid that I have never truly committed to the Jewish faith. The worst part is, I know that I wouldn't feel this way if I had been born a Jew.
Converts are treated with the utmost respect in Judaism. However, among the different denominations, there is a great deal of dischord where converts are concerned. In fact, according to the Orthodox, I am NOT a Jew at all. I will only be Jewish when I convert under the close scrutiny of an Orthodox rabbi, commit to keep Kosher and keep all 613 mitzvot -- no matter how difficult that would be in this century. (Hello? Animal sacrifice? I think not!) Because mine was a reform conversion, I am not a suitable marriage partner to Orthodox or even many Conservative Jews! I even have to wonder if my right to return to Israel will be honored, should I decide to go to the Homeland.

Like the decision to convert itself, I believe I will just have to live with the idea of keeping Kosher or being Orthodox in my head and let it marinate a while. As with everything else in this life, I will find my way.