Just as the pain of losing LDB was beginning to subside, I seemed to have some sort of relapse. It came on quite suddenly and ferociously. It seemed a little odd to me that I would start feeling so much better, only to drop one day immediately into a black abyss of sadness. One would expect a day or two of sliding before a crash, no?
Without warning, I began crying non-stop and feeling so insanely hopeless that I could barely force myself to go to work. After one seven hour crying jag, I began to suspect some other little demons were at work. At first, I just thought I was headed toward an extra fun premenstrual week. However, I noticed a few extra special symptoms.
Food was not appealing in any way. The mere thought made my stomach turn. My sense of smell became so strong I could detect the slightest whiff of perfume, cologne or air freshener and these were not good things. The list goes on but suffice it to say that I was quickly coming to the realization that my connection to LDB was not over. It may have been just beginning. (Hmm... is THAT why I'm dreaming about him non-stop???)
By the next night, I realized my period was late (I am NEVER late) and I had determined that I would need to go buy an early pregnancy test and get confirmation. I was feeling worse and worse physically and my mental state wasn't much better. I went to bed early but I awoke around 1 AM in a sweat and a pool of blood. It was bead. There were elements that I cannot even describe here. I knew exactly what was happening.
Two days of bleeding, fever and feeling like I was hit by a truck gave way to even more sadness, as I knew that I had had a miscarriage.
Two dreams dead.
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