As a Jew, I am fated to struggle with G-d for all time.
So, it is little surprise that I am presently struggling with the "test" which G-d has put before me these last few months.
I have asked my Hazzan, my spiritual leader, why would G-d test me with love after I had been alone for more than a year? It's was not as if I had been whoring around, disrespecting my body or my life. Quite the opposite. I chose to be alone rather than give myself to just anyone.
In recent history, I have not dated anyone who was committed elsewhere. I have not knowingly hurt anyone, nor have I caused pain where it could be avoided. The one break-up I instigated in the past two years was carefully thought through and was delivered as delicately as possible. I even kept my mouth shut and avoided Loshon Hora when that man then bad-mouthed me to co-workers and friends! So why, then, should I be tested and then judged in such a severe way?
Thus, the struggle. I look for answers; I beg G-d to show me the way. If I was so unworthy of love that I should warrant a stumbling block to my happiness, then why even bring LDB into my life? Why not just keep me single, lonely and locked away in hideous Northern Florida? Why do something so cruel as to put someone so incredibly perfect before me to love and then remove him in the most hurtful way? Does G-d not love me?
Even the Hazzan believed that G-d was in some way being just in catching both LDB and me in his trap. He feels that perhaps this wasn't my test after all. Perhaps G-d was trying to teach LDB or even his wife a lesson? But even the Hazzan was humbled when I miscarried. There was not even the suggestion of a test from G-d where THAT was concerned.
I have been praying more and more frequently asking for G-d to reveal himself. Although I know I am in no position to demand anything of the sort. I don't mean it as impertinence, only as a faithful servant asking how I can best serve? As Jews, aren't we supposed to marry and have children?
And when do the tests stop and the blessings begin?
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