Maybe, Baby?

As I slowly emerge from the hormonally enhanced depression I've been in for almost two months, I am coming to some important realizations. That was the whole point, wasn't it?

I have been in denial for a very long time now. I thought it was just my personal preferences and philosophies that made me want to have children only in the context of a marriage or committed relationship. But I now believe that I have been in denial about
my future. I've wanted to cling to the belief that he would still come along. Mr. Right was on his way and he'd arrive in plenty of time for me to have children. I would still have the dream someday. I would fall in love, get married and create a family.

I've been sticking to this so long, even I believed it.

With my 40th birthday looming, I took another look at my future. I asked those SCARY questions we never even want to think about. All those unpleasant little details that I've avoided for so long: I looked, asked and stopped avoiding.

First and and foremost, 40 is old for childbearing. Statistics don't lie. Do you KNOW a woman's probability of getting pregnant and by how much it drops with age? These numbers sent my head spinning.

22-25 years old: 25%
26 years old: 24.75%
27 years old: 24.50%
28 years old: 24.25%
29 years old: 23.50%
30 years old: 22%
31 years old: 20%
32 years old: 18%
33 years old: 16%
34 years old: 14%
35 years old: 12%
36 years old: 10%
37 years old: 8.5%
38 years old: 7%
39 years old: 6%
40 years old: 5% - As of May 26, Here I am!!!
41 years old: 4%
42 years old: 3%
43 years old: 2.5%
44 years old: 2%
45 years old: 1%
46 years old: .5%

That's right, despite all the Hollywood stars who seem to put it off until they're well into their 40's and then miraculously they are pregnant with twins! Or they have two or three babies one after another. And then, of course, they lose the baby weight in a week.

So, I am getting old and I need to look at my life differently. That's the epiphany I had.
It doesn't seem like a big thing when I write it here, but it is a big thing that took me years to admit.

So, the grieving continues but it shifts.

I need to do that in order to plan my next move. And this time, I don't mean moving to DC or leaving radio.
If I want children, I have to act now. Right now.
So, I will act now. RIght now.
I will pursue the idea of having a child on my own.