A few weeks back a friend of mine decided to tell me the truth. His truth.
This friend has recently gone through some life changes and come out convinced that he has a "special gift." My friend, Tim, feels that he has been given the gift of insight into people. He believes that he sees them more clearly than others or even they, themselves can. Tim says this vision is what makes him such a talented photographer.
Now, I have no doubt that there are those among us who are better at reading people and may even have the gift of special understanding. Who hasn't met someone who seemed to cut right through to the heart and soul of us? But I believe that what they do with that insight is the true measure of the so-called "gift." And so, I feel that my friend Tim is woefully misguided in the use of this vision.
I shared with Tim some of the details of recently getting back in touch with my ex from college and the complications in the situation. That was my first mistake.
This is when Tim felt the need to launch into what exactly he sees with his "vision." Sadly, it was not very complimentary of me.
He insisted that when I told him the story of Craig and me, all he heard was me, what I want and what I get out of it. Now, this certainly caught me off-guard because I know for a fact that I never once told him what I wanted out of it. When pressed for details, Tim could not tell me any more than his impression that this was all about me and I am only in it for myself. He made it clear that me wanting any sort of a relationship with Craig was selfish and that this connection should only ever be about what I can give him and Carter. Tim says through his vision he can see that I hold out hope that we will one day be together and that he can see that it will never happen.
I was devastated on several levels.
Firstly, I was angry that my intentions toward Craig and his son were being called into question. Going back several months, I questioned my own motives and arrived at the conclusion that I want only what is best for Craig and Carter. If that means being a friend from afar who listens and shares, then that is what I will be. If that means that somehow Craig and I could find a way to be together as more than friends and I am privileged enough to love this incredible man and his son, then I will never -- not for one moment -- take that for granted. If some day, G-d forbid, we should part and speak no more, then I will respect his boundaries and remember him in my prayers.
Secondly, I cried for days because I felt like Tim had taken my deepest, darkest fear and given it life, words and thus credence. He made it clear that he believed that this relationship will never be more and that I am a fool to think it. But it was much more than that: he made me feel a fool for HOPING for it. We talked for a long time after his revelations and he kept making clear that he felt I was wrong to ever hope to fall in love again and actually have a sustainable partnership in this life.
I had already -- for many years -- been battling depression often triggered by my intense fear that I am never going to be loved. That I will live the rest of my life alone never having known a devoted love like those I have given to others. To have this person who claims to be my friend and cares about me tell me outright that he knows thanks to his "gift" that I will be alone and that I should learn to accept it was one of the most painful moments of my life because it is the thing I dread most in this life. Worst of all, I believe he knows that.
After thinking about this night and this conversation for weeks, I have arrived at some conclusions.
I believe that Tim is a person who enjoys toying with people. I have known this about him for a long time. He has shared stories about the cruel games he would play on other people in order to control them. This, in my opinion, is no different. Perhaps Tim does have some insight into people, but he is using that to toy with them again and I am merely his latest victim.
In some way, Tim is completely deluding himself into believing that he is doing something constructive for his friends by sharing these "deep personal insights." But each time he has done this, it has been incredibly negative and has deeply hurt the people he claims to see so clearly.
In reality, Tim is a very unhappy person in his own personal and love life. Any psychologist would tell you that Tim is making himself feel better by hurting others. Raising himself up on the backs of those he is keeping down.
It doesn't change the fact that he uncovered some very sensitive subjects for me at which I have had to take a closer look. I do not thank him for this at all. Tim stirred up a hornets nest of insecurities that I keep under strict control in order to get through life. This person tried to make me feel bad for having the one thing that helps any human through her darkest days: HOPE.
I don't think I will ever forgive him for trying to take that away from me or for making me feel like a fool for still having it.
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