I was poking around on Facebook a bit this morning and decided to check out the pages of some old high school friends. Despite all our silly, immature fights and break-ups we were all able to become cyber-friends.
One page led me to another and finally I landed on JSD's page. This was not my first visit to his page, nor was it the first time I looked through his family photos. I am always moved by them, but in different ways depending on my mood and place in my life at the time.
Today, I am happy and hopeful for the future. My trip to England renewed me and gave me a HUGE boost to my self esteem. And yet, I reacted more to JSD's photos than I have in years. It was not, however, the photos of his children or his wife which stirred my emotions. It was JSD himself.
The first thought (besides damn he looks so good) was this: Will there ever come a time where I can look at him and not feel my heart beat faster? Will there ever be a time I do not get a lump in my throat? Will I ever, as long as I walk this earth, not love this man?
It has been more than 25 years since I first met him in person and more than 30 since I first began hearing his name amongst my friends. All this time and I can close my eyes and see his 17 year old face kissing mine. I know that you never forget your first love but are most people able to remember these details? It's not even that want to remember this clearly. I have thrown away all of my journals with detailed accounts of our relationship and purged my life of all memorabilia. It's not that I look at him and yearn to be with him as I used to... I just feel this overwhelming sense of love for him. I just don't know what to do with that.
No comments:
Post a Comment