Worst Week

I'm torn right now about how to write this post. I may have to break it into two posts in order to get out all of the emotions I desperately need to release.

I'd been pursuing a job with Nordstrom in Seattle that was basically tailor-made for me. I would be writing product descriptions for fashion and accessories on the Nordstrom web site. My first interview was great and I was so excited. I just had to take a writing test in Orlando -- which ended up being a complete mess when I was late on the first three hour drive south. I came back a second time and took the test, but I was informed Wednesday that I scored too low to be considered for the job.
My ego and my self confidence took such a huge hit that I am loathe to apply for any other writing jobs. I truly believed I was all-but-hired for this position and not getting it threw my entire plan into upheaval. Now, I'm truly flailing. I've never been so lost in my life!

On Saturday, I decided to take my dog Bailey back to the vet because he is still itchy and uncomfortable after many months of treatment for a variety of issues. It seems as though he is allergic to Florida (much like me!), he has an ear infection and probably a thyroid problem. The big discovery came during the exam: Bailey has a large tumor on the tissue adjoining his left front leg to his chest. It is most likely cancerous. Every time I think of it, I get a pain in my chest and a lump in my throat.

The doctor wants to operate (if Bailey's 12-year-old body can handle surgery) to remove the tumor but this brings up several logistical challenges. The most difficult part is figuring out how I will get him up and down the stairs to my apartment when he will not be able to walk very well. He has lost weight, but still weighs in at 85 lbs. I couldn't possibly carry him. I could get help getting him up stairs but taking out for potty-time is the challenge.

Then there is the money. I am on a tight budget now that I have no new job to go to after my contract expires. I am in save-mode as I am being told that I will likely have to spend almost $1000 (total) on Bailey's treatments. Normally, I wouldn't even blink at that cost. My desperation is clouding my judgement.

Basically, I am wondering what will happen if I leave the tumor in and allow him to live out his life naturally? Is this cruel? Is this more cruel than a painful surgery and recovery which may lengthen his life by only a year or two?

So, I am losing my job, the canine love of my life, then my home when I can't pay rent. I am stuck in a state I absolutely despise and I feel paralyzed.