The Real Me

Days after a long phone conversation with my best friend I am still upset by what she said to me, about me.
Samantha and I have run into this problem before: she is my closest friend and has known me since I was 5 years old but at times I feel like she knows nothing about the real me.
Granted, part of this is due to Sam's own personality and inability to see past her own judgement. Like many Scorpios I know, once she has formulated an idea about who you are, it is next to impossible to get her to see who you really are.

Admittedly, I spent many years in a society of people who valued material possessions and status symbols. I bought my share of Ugg boots, Coach and Louis Vuitton Purses and Jimmy Choo shoes. From 2001 to 2008, I eagerly rode the Sex and the City wave, which made me aware of fashion in terms of labels and not just form and function.

Despite all of this, it became clear to me several years ago that these material treats were not what was important in life. Had I been given the opportunity to trade my Louis Vuitton Murikami Pouchette for a solid marriage and a family, I would have jumped at the chance! I look back and realize that as my dreams of forming a loving, long-term relationship with a man faded and my attempts at having a child failed, I did soothe my pain (at times) with toys and possessions. Because no one else was, I tried to treat myself well over the years and that included purchasing things I wanted, when I wanted them.

I always assumed that my closest friends realized that it was all stop-gap. I thought they knew I bought myself things to make-up for the things with which I wasn't blessed. I thought they could tell that I liked my stuff, but would give it up in a heartbeat for the things in life that really matter!

Apparently not. In talking with Samantha, she made it clear what kind of girl she thinks I am. Samantha believes me to be a woman who would never choose to live in a place with less than first class accommodations. She believes me to be a woman who values a pair of shoes over a life with a man I love in a place where I'd never have use for high heels.

Of all the people in my life, I would have thought that Samantha would know that I would do absolutely anything for love. Not lust, infatuation or a fling... but a true and lasting love.

It goes beyond that though... I'm sad that Sam can't see sides of me other than the one who owns Manolos. To assume that I go no deeper than my skin, or worse - my clothes, is an inexcusable insult! To assume that I would never choose a life more simple and meaningful is a slight I can't soon forget.

Perhaps she never knew me at all? Maybe she just doesn't understand me. My greatest fear is that this is the face I have presented to the world. Then, it isn't Sam but I who has completely sold myself short.