Boy, Interrupted

The latest social networking web site to take the world by storm is called Facebook. Like with My Space, I resisted joining for a while, but I soon learned that Facebook was far more "grown-up" than My Space and not quite as overrun with spam, scams and dudes trying to get you to chat.
I've been happily catching up with many friends from radio, high school, college and even Riverton Elementary School! For the most part it's been really fun finding out who these children became over the past 25 years. One or two have been a disappointment.
I was sad to learn, for instance, that the boy on whom I had a crush in 8th grade grew up to be an annoying, argumentative know-it-all who wouldn't know how to have a relationship if his life depended on it. Don't know what I expected from a Scorpio. He fits the profile of the self-centered narcissist perfectly. I was not surprised to learn he was divorced.

The most wonderfully surprising reconnection I made was with a man I knew when I went to Centenary College. Craig was a local who one night came to visit a high school friend in my dorm. I was hanging out at the North Hall visitor's desk with my little sister in my sorority, Carrie, when he and his friend Brian signed in. I was immediately interested.
My memory is terrible now, but I remember there being issues with the fact that I was already involved in a relationship with a woman named Beth (who would be insanely jealous of Craig - though I never told her I liked him) and I couldn't pursue anything with him. We became friends and he even took me to my Spring Formal, but we never really dated. A year later, his best friend would come to me and ask my help in trying to keep Craig from proposing to his then-girlfriend and moving away with her.
Without going into great detail (which I would likely get wrong with my sad memory), I will say that I did everything I could to try to convince Craig not only that she was the wrong woman for him, but that I was the right one. I was finally free to be with him and I wanted that more than anything. But Craig felt a sense of obligation to the woman he loved and chose to go. I was heart-broken.
Over the years I would hear things about Craig occasionally and I remember speaking once to his friend, Brian, who had married my sorority sister, Dyan Ashworth. But we all lost touch and I hadn't even known where to look for him -- until Facebook.

Craig saw my photo on Dyan's page and "friended" me. The day I received the request, I remember just sitting and staring at the computer screen for several minutes, a million memories of him rushing back. A short time later, we were exchanging email and catching up.
At first glance of his profile photo with his son, I assumed I knew what I would hear about his life: married, children, career, etc... Much the same I hear from everyone else. I could not know how wrong my assumptions would be.

I cannot do justice to the story of Craig's life, so I will not try to retell it. Craig lost his love of 16 years and one of their children and now raises their other child alone in North Carolina. The pain and drama of his situation brought me to tears when I read it on his profile page. I have never personally known anyone who has suffered so much loss. Not to mention, someone who has handled it with so much strength and grace as Craig has. I am in awe of this man, truly.

Shortly after getting in touch via email, I gave Craig my number and asked him to all when he had some time. We talked on the phone for three hours but it flew by like ten minutes. I was amazing talking to this person who has all the memories I have, but has grown so much.
Not gonna lie, I was stunned. Within that first phone conversation I learned about this whole other side of Craig I never knew existed. In the years that passed, not only had he begun a life and a family, but he had gone to college and was now about to get his PhD. Crazy! I never knew there was this brilliant brainiac inside of that incredibly adorable package!
Anyone who knows me, knows I find NOTHING sexier than a really intelligent man! In fact, I prefer it if they are smarter than me. I am am totally smitten.

Here's the quandary: we have kept in touch every day by email and had a second phone call which lasted four hours. I am totally smitten. But there's a part of me that feels really bad about it. I fully intended to be there as a friend for Craig and be someone he can lean on if he needs me -- not scam on him!!!
I have asked if he is dating yet and he made it clear that he's not ready. I respect that - really I do! When I sit and think rationally about it, I know that I'm not someone who would want to just "date" him. Having a history, it would be very difficult for me to date him and stay casual.

I can't help but to think about him as more than a friend. I have a huge stupid smile on my face when I see an email from him waiting for me. I drop everything (not like I have anything going on) to answer him and keep our correspondence going. It makes me so happy just thinking of him. To lose that now would make me so sad. I don't even want to let him know I've had these thoughts or feelings because I am afraid that it will change what we have now. (Anything worse than that awkward "I like him but he doesn't feel the same" situation? NO!)
But I like him. And the last thing I want to do is push him.

I am the last thing he needs right now.